Austin's Lesbo BBQ

I'm having a moment with my computer box....I'm shipping it out tomorrow...and I will be without it for 5 to 7 days*...it's getting the damn optical drive fixed...FINALLY. I haven't been able to insert a CD into my pricey (and still fairly new) computer since July. But, of course, the first thing they do when they go to do computer box surgery is clear off the hard drive, so, behold...5 months later...I've successfully backed up my data. Go me! No procrastination here...

I'm imagining that things will NOT go smoothly...because, well, they never do. It's been hypothesized, perhaps even here in this blog, that I may very well possess Powder-like qualities...basically, everything electronic that I touch putters and fizzles well before it's reasonable "death" date...Although, I've never healed a wounded animal with my touch alone, I HAVE picked up my cat while she was hacking up a hairball and placed her outside...solved the problem in my book...ANYWAY...I will say, sometimes it's through theft, or physical destruction that the device passes on...still, lots of the times it's just due to electronic weirdness.

So, I'll be forced to, yet once again, to live computer-free for a few days...really, it's for the best...

Maybe I can use this time to focus on other things! I'm not sure what...oh...maybe, my semi-employment? Or...the impending Christmas holidays? Or my New Year's trip to Memphis (yay, tiny!)...or where my next "move" is going to be made...I'm not really talking about a physical move this time...although, I've been fantasizing about joinig the Peace Corps for the past 6 years, I think I'm stuck in Austin for the moment...

And, I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I've been tutoring expelled high school kids twice a week...for about a month or so...I've actually really been enjoying this...in fact, this is the first time I can EVER remember enjoying being in a classroom (outside of Latin, huzzah classical nerdiness!)...and I think it's because I generally know all the answers...but, one of the major things that I've doubted in myself during this new endeavor has been my overall, *cough*, maturity...

Take today, for example...every morning, teacher asks the students if they know of any news for the day...this morning, the main news story dealt with the mauling of a 76-year-old woman by a pack of ravenous dogs...teacher brings up the topic then looks around the classroom...waiting patiently for one of the students to fill in the details of the story...she occasionally glances towards me as well...and, if nobody else can fill in the blanks, THEN she asks me if I know...

I think she can usually tell if I know what she's getting at...I get pretty antsy...my foot starts tapping and I get this unmistakable smirk when I have something to say...so, after a minute or so of waiting for the 10th graders to answer, she pointed at me...

Teacher: "Do YOU know what I'm talking about, Mel-a-rific?**

Me: "Yeah! I do! A 76-year-old grandma was eaten by a pack of wild dogs!" In less than half a second, Teacher shot me a sideways look and I quickly scrambled and re-stated, "Um, I mean, she wasn't really eaten...but, an elderly woman was fatally mauled by her neighbor's six dogs...it was horribly tragic..."

On the upside, the classroom is usually full of no more than 8 kids, so I only got a few confused looks...

Hey Kids! I'm an A-dult! A...D...U...L...T! Adult! Wooooo!

So, I don't know...I can't decide if it's scary or not that the county is allowing me to play a part in the education of children..I swear, my intentions are based in sincerity..it's just that, I don't know, I have a tendency to take things lightly even when I recognize their significance...I guess it's more important that I know when to be serious and when it's ok to goof off...but, as long as I can remember, I've always danced on that very thin line...

Many a year I've been waiting for God to throw that lighting bolt and strike me down...but, it hasn't happened yet...perhaps, if it this did occur, it would reverse my electronics curse, and, in its place, it would grant me the power to predict the future...THAT would be cool...

*maybe it's not going to be fixed after all...maybe it's going to a special camp that caters to laptop computers during their transitions from "girls to women"...ok...I know that comment was a little out there...but, it came to mind when I was on the phone with the tech help lady and I just had to share it.

**I gain more street-cred when I go by Mel-a-rific...my real name is quite trivial.

And here I find myself...back in Houston, once again...I decided to come for a post-Thanksgiving visit for no particular reason. I made quite a mediocre dinner on Thursday, but it all worked out....I even have some pictures...but, I'll have to say, it wasn't that bad for My First Thanksgiving™....maybe, next year I'll be more creative.

So, I figure if I never came "home" to Houston I would never be able to do my dad and stepmother the favor of solving their arguments...The most important of issues are resolved right here in Kingwood, Texas...such as

1) Q: Which goes in the shaker with more holes, salt or pepper?

A: Who the fuck knows. I interjected that in all my "professional" experience, salt has always gone in the shaker with more holes. My stepmother insist that her mother ALWAYS put the salt in the one with the less holes....and that, what mothers do is ALWAYS right.

I had to bite my tongue on this one....if I thought that everything MY mother did was always right...well, I don't know how to say this, but I'd probably be smoking crack and a number of other morally reprehensible things...luckily, I posses this thing called "judgment"....sometimes it works logically...other times it sits on hold listening to an instrumental version of Madonna's "Justify Your Love"...and still other times it jumps so quickly that it doesn't even know it's being utilized...but, if one thing is for sure, it knows its role in the "everything my parent says/does is right" situations...

Oh. Where were we? Ok...yeah.

2) Q: How long should you leave the range vent running?

A: Indefinitely. The idiots who designed this house put curtains above the range that will forever smell like sausage if you turn the vent off...ever. Don't ever, ever turn it off...even when I'm gone. I'll know.

3) Q: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

A: Three and a quarter pecks. No more, no less...don't ask me again, ok?

Also, if I never made it "home" I would have no idea that Christmas started the week of Thanksgiving....because it does...hands down. The music, smells, multiple fake pine trees, and countless red bows suggests nothing less than complete saturation in holiday...despite the fact that it's 63 degrees outside. This weather has me thinking of July in Massachusetts...ahhh memories...so far, I've already heard "Jingle Bell Rock" three times today...and every attempt I've made to switch the radio to NPR or even classical music has been thwarted by the "Christmas Spirit!" Nazi...

So....you're probably wondering why I subject myself to this in the first place...sometimes, I wonder this myself. But, actually, there are a couple of reasons.

The first one being that my dad are still working on getting my 86' Honda Spree running. Yes...I'm proud...I might actually accomplish something that I said I wanted to do....and, well, that doesn't happen very often...and, in reality, I didn't do much of the accomplishing...unless you count my being able to get my dad interested in the project. I've been more of a helper...cleaning and putting some things together, but either way, it'll be done...it'll be running...and I'll finally be able to pull off a "reel kool" way to kill myself...I wonder how long it's going to take for a drunken SUV driver to run me over...THAT would be the way to go.

I'd give myself a time-frame for the first accident, but it's already happened....I managed to eat shit yesterday while chasing my dad's three dogs around the driveway...I deserved it, with all my tomfoolery and such....and now I've got two wicked nasty bruises on my left calf and right thigh...I'm afraid to see what's going to happen when I get out on the street...

Some other reasons I like to come to Houston are the endless free meals...and beer...and tv...and company. I'm almost to the point where I'm comfortable here...imagine that...I spent at least 10 years wanting to leave this place and never come back...and, for the first time ever (since I got back from Massachusetts) I've been ok hanging out in Kingwood...but, I don't think I could do it indefinitely...

So, I'll be back in Austin sometime tomorrow to start the next cycle of working and other life discouragers...but, hopefully, I'll keep going and make it through Christmas...

Gobble gobble...we will eat you, we will eat you...one of us...

I don't wanna eat da canned ham no more...I just met a bird that I could go for!

Gobble gobble, hey! Gobble gobble hey!

Ok. Now I'm just stalling...there's no way that I'm going to have a the turkey ready by four o'clock. So, I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving...and try not to beat on the brats, ok?

Just so everyone knows, this will be the first blog entry that I've EVER done that I use real names and real pictures...whoa...it's a new era...and, hey, I'm even in some of the pictures! So much for anonymity...but, I don't think I really care anymore. Also, sorry the layout is so messed up...I'll try messing with it later, but for now, I guess you'll just have to read and then look at the pictures that go along with the story...So, here it goes...

Team Spaceship Mission 72 (of which I'm a part of) set off into the hills this past weekend to do some camping. The idea was to spend three days and two nights of sleeping under the stars...in (hopefully) warm sleeping bags...while testing our ability to carry 80lbs worth of stuff on our backs...AND to get along the whole time.

I snapped this picture of some of the crew shortly before we launched...one team member's dad was nice enough to loan us an Expedition....it should be noted that this may be the ONLY time in the history of the world that an SUV was used to 1) haul lots of "equipment" 2) completely fill all of it's passenger seats AND 3) be driven off into the rolling hills and down dusty dirt roads.
Before we could really get moving, we had to make several stops...one for the last minute groceries, one for lunch, and of course, one for crack pecans.













I figured crack pecans were the kind of nuts that you just couldn't stop eatin'. I went into the store to investigate further...I didn't see any nut junkies hanging around, but I did watch a man, who was at least 90 years old, crack pecan shells at an alarming rate...I bet they were freebasing the shells in the back...I didn't have time to look, because we had to be on our way.

Two hours later, we were almost there...we drove through the town of Bandera, Texas...the cowboy capital of the world! THE WORLD! We didn't question anybody in town about this self-proclamation...best mind our own business....

Once we were there, we were able to fully grasp the "primitiveness" of the Hill Country Natural Area...we arrived on a Saturday afternoon, with no reservations and asked for a campsite for two nights. There were plenty available....but...the one that we wanted just happened to be occupied by 33 boy scouts....damn scouts....they're ALWAYS in the way. We decided to suck it up, hike out there and compete for survival with a bunch of 13 year olds...why not?

The campsite was a 2.5 mile hike...had no running water...or bathrooms...but, they did allow fires....I guess that makes up for lack of water. We were under the impression that we would have to pack in some firewood if we wanted to enjoy these fires...enter the above picture.

As everyone stared at the bundles of firewood...deciding how we should split up the additional 20lbs of wood among each other (I just took pictures)...we also had several gallons of water to pack in, which made the packs pretty damn heavy...so, if you didn't catch this already...our packs were HEAVY. But...it had to be done...





So...off we went.



Team member Liz was smart enough to bring her some trail-walkin' music...she kept up her pace with the help of Prince, Fannypack and Hall and Oates...and with a selection like that, no one could possibly fall behind...she then grabbed the camera from me and caught me in a backdrop of rolling wheat...ok...it probably wasn't wheat...maybe it was closer to Sting's "Fields of Gold"...we'll probably never know.















It took us about an hour to hike out the the campsite...it was definitely not a leisurely stroll...heavy packs combined with a rocky trail and a number of hills left us all pretty beat by the time we got there. We managed to set up our tents...then basically got ready to start a fire and cook some dinner.
I'm a big wuss and I get scared when I have to sleep by myself...alone...in the dark...in the woods...so, Daniel and Megan were polite enough to let me set up my tent basically on top of theirs...Liz pointed out that I should just pretend I was living in their garage apartment...so I did...I made lots of noise and threw wild parties...like any good tenant would.













The rest of the evening was spent trying to get my gasoline-powered stove to work without exploding...bitching about the hike/workout...and setting marshmallows on fire...
We were all ready to sleep by about 9 p.m....our boy scout neighbors were out by 8:30...but we also wanted to stay up late enough to catch the moon rising...it was so bright that you could see the light coming over the hills well before you could actually see the moon...or, rather, the sky was that dark...we could also see the Milky Way and lots o' stars and planets...us city folk were quite impressed.

So, after the fun-filled first day, we were out by 10:30...
We all awoke on Sunday and made some breakfast...we all mostly survived the weekend on a mixture of instant oatmeal, ramen, beef jerky and granola bars...what we ate for any particular meal really stopped mattering after the first night...so jerky for breakfast? Why not...

After breakfast, we walked around the area and searched for the pond that was on the map...I took off my shoes, washed some dishes (and my filthy, filthy hands) and brushed my teeth...ah nature...the pond water was nice and cold, and even though I'm sure it was frequented for drinking water by horses and the occasional mountain tiger (or bears...?) it didn't taste bad at all...

Next on the agenda...more hiking! We realized that we had gone through 4 gallons of water in the first day...so, we had to hike back to the car to get some water and more firewood (the scouts told us the night before that we were allowed to collect wood...making us look like idiots for packing it in...but, we bought it, so we figured we'd use it)...it also gave us the opportunity to utilize the closest thing to a real toilet while we could...look...we're all going to those two port-o-lets at the same time...together...we seriously bonded on this trip.

Hiking is hard. Two and a half miles back to the car...two and a half miles back to the campsite with our water and wood...what's next? Lunch...and nap...we could all handle the physical activity, but just in short bursts, apparently...

So, post naps...we took a gander at the trail map that the ranger guy gave us the day before and picked out trail to hike...there's really not much else to do while camping...except to hike and burn stuff...so, during the daylight hours, we choose the former...here, we see team member Megan blazing (what would turn out to be) the rough and treacherous Trail #5...into the hills we went...

Interweb, I'd like to introduce you to a picture of Liz's ass...Liz's ass, interweb...now we're all acquainted...sorry, I had slip in something inappropriate sooner or later....and I always found myself at the back of the group...
See that hill? We were going to climb it. Then we'd be on top of it. And you know what? We did. Raarrr....command and conquer, Team Spaceship Mission 72...

What's that behind us? Bah? Oh...it's a camera...and it's taking our picture.














We owned that hill....and then we climbed down because we realized that the sun would beat us if we didn't get a move on.
I snapped this cute picture of Liz while she enjoyed the natural view, inhaled butt-loads of chemicals with that hill-top air...and , as I pointed out to her, sat in horse shit...her response? "Eh..it's dried and old anyway..." Ah...the apathy to filth had set in...my favorite part of camping. I love you Liz, even though it looks like I'm picking on you...I like how all the hill-top pictures I took of you has you looking like you stole the Pope's habit...or maybe Erika Badu's headdress...




Doug did a good job demonstrating how we all felt by this part of the trip...













Awww...Danile and Megan are, like, the cutest married couple in the whole world...the WHOLE WORLD, damnit...See, Bandera? I can make righteous self-declarations too!

Here, we have Daniel enjoying his dinner...one can of beans...Instructions: poke a ventilation hole...throw in fire. Open, enjoy and look like hobo.

After dinner...it got dark...and cold...so, we all gathered around the fire to enjoy some sub-freezing cigars and travel Scrabble!...








Liz...deep in crossword thought...
What do you think that comment gemeant? I bet Doug geknows...but, shhhhh...let's not disturb him...







And that pretty much covers night two...the boy scouts had left that morning, so we had the whole area to ourselves...it felt like we had acres of world without a soul around...

We packed up and headed out the next morning...by this time, we had taken to walking only in a single file line...not a word was spoken...and after, yet another, 2.5 miles hike...we were back at the car...and I think I can speak for all of Team Spaceship Mission 72: we were exhausted and ridiculously dirty.

On our way back, we stopped in at the local Denny's in Kerrville...quite possibly the most depressing Denny's I'd ever seen, but it had hot food... so look out diner of despair, here we come! Our server probably thought that we had just come back from a war...we order just about everything on the menu had to offer and racked up the biggest bill I think I've ever seen at a short-order restaurant.

By day three without a shower...plus a extra dirt and campfire smoke...my hair had taken on a life of it's own. Liz did me the favor of sculping my very own Dr. Suess-esc hairstyle..no product required...

Finally...after a silly drive home...late on Monday afternoon...we arrived back in Austin.

Goodbyes were said...hands were shook...bonding was had. It was time for a shower and a return to reality...


Thus brings our hill-treking, pack-mule-like exercising journey to an end. I had a ton of fun and I think everyone else did too...despite the work, it was worth it.

So...til next year....who's ready to hike Big Bend?

I'm bored.

Here...I stole this from Overheard in NY...it's funny:

Little girl: I'm tired of thinking about ponies! Now it's time to kill!

How'd she know that? I thought that I was the only one whose trains of thought went from ponies to death...

Speaking of little kids...or ponies...or whatever....this morning, I was listening to a CD my dad gave me when I was in Houston last week. Sometime in 1982...my dad decided that it would be a good idea to make a tape recording of him and I reading stories and singing songs...and other blah blah 3 year-old things.

I didn't discover too much about my 23-year-ago self...however, in 1982, I was entirely fascinated by the microphone. I didn't understand how anything I said could possibly be getting onto the tape machine if I wasn't able to physically touch the microphone. There were several instances where I made bold attempts to put the microphone in my mouth despite my father's warnings.

This may explain my life-long desire to witness Bob Barker finally giving in and gnawing on that Dum-Dum shaped microphone...it's only inches from his mouth! Come on....I'd do it on accident, eventually....but, I guess that's why I'm not the host of The Price Is Right.

Hi. I'm Bob Barker and I'm hungry...oh, looky here...my microphone sure looks tasty...like a lollypop. Raaarr...chomp...chomp...mmmm Root Beer-y flavored...watch out, little lady...you're next! *wink*

So, aside from my microphone obsession, my dad had me "reading" several of my favorite books....I quote that because, although most of you would probably like to believe that I've been this brilliant since age 3, I actually couldn't read back then...but, I could memorize shit that was repeated over and over again. I read some book about a bear party and out-of-control popcorn...I think I enjoyed saying the word "bear"....I took every opportunity to point out that, although the book character was dressed up as a cowboy, he was in actuality, a cowboy bear...

It was nice, though...it made me realize (more so) that I have a really good dad. He read me stories...and learned me. That's more than a lot of dads do and I'm lucky. Ok...sniff...let's move on.

After my 14 total hours of work tomorrow (um...I mean, for the week, not the day) I get to go CAMPING! Finally. It's been far too long...my last camping trip was to New Hampshire back in August...QP was there...remember? She's in Connecticut...so, she'll either have to hurry the fuck up and get down to Texas or be there in spirit....

I've been semi-planning this trip since April or so...and I was going to go whether I had fellow campers or not...damn it! But, I'm glad I found some peeps that are also interested in going out and trying some new, challenging fun. This time around, we're going all "hard-core", loading up our backpacks and hitting the trail...

I went shopping today to stock up on jerky, trail mix and other outdoorsy supplies...I spent most of my time at Academy because they have all the necessaties for the non-yuppie camper. But, unfortunately, I was forced to go to REI to find some parts for my fancy-pants light-weight backpacking stove.

In theory, I don't have anything against REI. I love being outside...I like hiking...and camping...and all the stuff that they're all about...but, at the same time, I think they're ridiculously overpriced and, well, snooty. I don't really believe they their shit is any better than other reasonably priced outdoor retailer's. There. I said it.

BUT...I have this backpacking stove that I knew was missing a fuel canister and a pressure pump...blah....and I knew Academy wouldn't have this stuff...so, I found myself at REI. I walked into the store and talked to a lady who directed me toward the glass backpacking stove counter...

The stove associate was busy with another customer when I walked into his section...and, when he was done, I could've swore I heard him say to her "Well, good luck with your backpacking trip to Iraq"...I'm hoping that I was mistaken, because I wouldn't want to know the circumstances surrounding that vacation/adventure...

By the time he got to me, I had pretty much found my way to the parts that I needed...but, I'm no expert, so I decided to double-check with him...and, apparently, he is an expert...I don't know what they call it...Stove-ology? Stove-a-metrics? No, no...I got it...he was a Directional Heat-Deploying-Unit Specialist. Yes.

So, I asked him..."Um...hi. I have this stove that I sort of inherited...and, as far as I can tell, it's missing the fuel canister and the pressure pump. Do you know which one of these kits I should get?"

And his response?..."Oh yeah...it's this one. Now, see...this is the newer model. How old is your stove? Seven years? Yeah...it'll fit. In fact, it'll work better. The old model had a double-insulated supply line that didn't do a very good job at regulated the amount of fuel directed towards the burner. But, this new one is based on a double-helix design...you know, like DNA? (umm...yes?) So, when you hook up your fuel canister at the supply link, it's a lot less likely to leak...this really give you much more control of your fuel supply. Right? Let's say that you wanted to simmer...with the old pressure pump, you would've had to calibrate the pistons at the intake valve and lubricated the chassis...but, with the NEW pump, the double helix supply line............

I think he KNEW stoves!

The associate actually talked decently fast, so I wasn't there for very long...and, hey, I learned something new! Double-helix is like DNA...there...now I know.

So, then I went to check out...I handed the guy at the register my super-high tech backpacking supplies and he looks at me and says, "Um...you know you need a stove to go with this, right?" I thought he might be kidding...I'm pretty familiar with the dry sense of humor...but, when I looked at him, it was apparent that he was serious. I replied, "Yeah...I've got it right here...I brought it with me...I just needed some parts." The next thing he says is "Well, you might want to think about investing in a cleaning kit for it...it'll keep you from having to replace these parts again."

Ok...I don't really get noticeably irritated often, but this guy about to put me there...so, I said "Well, yeah...I can understand that...but, I'm not buying these parts because the old ones were dirty.....I need them because the old ones are LOST."

His only response was "Well, you're golden, then, but some people don't know....would you like to become a member for only $15?...No? It'll take $3 off your purchase right now...No? It's only a one time charge and the benefits last a lifetime...No?...."

So, I've figured out why the prices at REI are so goddamn high and I think it has something to do with their requirement for all their employees to have their PhD in Outdoortology...

I figure I'm good...since I've sunk all this money into camping supplies, I'll be set when I find myself homeless next month due to lack of employment...hmmm...maybe REI is hiring....

Whatev...I'll escape it all Saturday morning when I go get dirty in the hills.

What happened here? Nothing to say?

Yeah. Pretty much.

I will say this though...and, I'll warn you ahead of time, you might not want to read on if you don't like to read about pointless shit...but...wait...I don't think anything I've EVER said here has had a point...so, nevermind.

I had a dream this morning whose main players were two girls I went to high school with...not so bizarre...but, the weird thing is, these girls were hardly my friends...or even acquaintances, really...just girls that went to my high school.

Ok.

One I was in school with from third grade til' graduation and we played soccer together...AND she had a well-known ego problem that I finally had a tiff with (which was a pretty big deal for me...but, I know she was quite used to being confronted) on the soccer field one day. The other girl...I don't even remember much about her...I just know her mom taught one of my middle school CCD (Catholic education for all you irreverent protestants) classes....other than that, I think I went to school with her through 12th grade...but, I honestly don't remember and my yearbooks have been in storage since I was 19....so, it's a mystery.

So, why does my brain choose to put these people in a memorable dream? I could tell you the context of the dream....but, it's a little too weird for me to share...I'll just say that it involved a bus stop, a trip to Walgreens for baby wipes and an unisex shower-room reminiscent of a YMCA circa 1973....yeah....don't ask me...I don't know what goes on up there, either. But, if I'm lucky, sometimes my dreams have background music...it's pretty cool.

I've had these two girls on my mind all day...I've been trying to place them into specific real memories and I just can't seem to come up with anything solid.

Maybe I'm psychic....maybe there's something significant going on in both their lives right now...or...maybe....they're...DEAD! Wooooooo!

That's all...have a good day at work.

Houston.

My dad's stupid dog chewed up my IPod earbuds...

I spent the majority of the day in department stores trying on "stylish" clothes and re-living the parts of my childhood where I was raised by the intelligent, yet amazingly dense male:

Father (holding up a teal halter top with layers of frou-frou sparkly-things: "See? This is a cute top."

Me: "Dad. This is the junior's section...not only would nothing here fit me, but it would also make me look like I was trying to be something that I'm not...sixteen."

I try not to be too hard on him...sometimes, he tries...

After shopping all afternoon and managing to score all of three pieces of clothing, I was forced to nap...because, in just a couple of hours, my step-brother was hosting 4 of his closest pre-teen buddies over to the house for his twelfth birthday party...first, Lazar Tag...then, a sleepover. Yippee. Did I mention it's also a sleepover*? Yeah. It is.

For some strange reason, I thought I would want to play Lazar Tag with a bunch of 12-year-olds...you know, I don't know what it is, but I can't seem to shake this childish desire to participate in any and all games no matter how "old" the competition...and, the really sad part is, that I always do my best to kick ass no matter what (not that I win all the time or anything)...I guess I have a lifetime of playing sports to thank for that.

As an aside, it was worth the 3 hours out of my day...why? Because, I was privy this conversation between two Hot Topic high-schoolers...

Part I

Teen Goth Girl 1 (with genuine sincerity): Oh hi! My gosh...you look so much prettier than the last time I saw you! No really! I mean it..."

Teen Goth Girl 2: Um...thanks.

Part II

Teen Goth Girl 1: Well...I just tell her "WTF" mean "What the Fudge?"...I don't think she knows anyway.

So, seeing that the entire establishment was filled to the brim with children 12 and younger (...and the others not doing much to distinguish themselves from the majority..), I decided that I should probably sit this round out...go adult! While the kids were being briefed on lazer-to-lazer combat behavior, my father, stepmother and I made our way upstairs to the civilian observation room...

Ok...this is was the weird part...in this room, there was a couch, some strange "futuristic" looking stools made out of black, ridged garden tubing and, um...a lone Cardio Glider. It wasn't in very good shape, but, it worked (of course I tried it...wouldn't you?)...so, what do you thing the owners of the LazerZone were trying to say here?...


"Feel free to watch your kids shoot at each other, or just put your feet up and relax..or, if you'd like, you could always work off a couple of those pounds on a fad exercise machine that we weren't able to push off on an unsuspecting slack-jaw at our last garage sale."

I don't know...Maybe I'm being presumptuous here, but couldn't they have at least parted with their Gazelle? It really gives a much smoother, full-body workout...


* If I'm a target of any sleepover tomfoolery, you can bet there will be some sixth-grade ass-smashing. I doubt it though...my quietness seems to hold some air of intimidation. I love it...because, I'm such a wuss

So, I made it to Houston...despite one of my most memorable and worst hangovers...and had a gay ol' time at the dentist this morning.

There's been a number of things on my mind lately, but I'd like to take some time to discuss one of the more important issues that we all face today: The McRib Farewell Tour 2005.

The McRib is back, and as I've always feared, it may be our last chance to indulge in the savory and swarthy, boneless, pork-rib-shaped meat product. Somebody must be McFucking with me! I don't know what I'll McDo if I can't eat bones formed from processed meat! Maybe it's some kind of McJoke...

Yeah...so, I always tried to eat as many McRibs as I can stomach each time the elusive sandwich makes an appearance...I've been on a bit of a health kick lately, so I'm not really sure I can do more than 3 or 4 during this tour...and I'm not scared by their McMarketing tactics...the only reason to have a big and flashy "Farewell Tour" is to have an even more colossal and gaudier reunion tour, a la Jefferson Starship (check out their wicked hot, galactic tour destinations!)

In fact, I think Jefferson Starship should join forces with the McRib...Marty Balin (because Gracie Slick still hangs her head in much-deserved shame) could launch a million pork sandwiches into space during the final encore of "We Built this City"...

Imagine, if you will, a fatal error made at the last minute...the McSpacepod explodes showering hundreds of pounds of pickles, bbq sauce, onions, buns and mystery meat over the crowd of 24...audience members run for cover under other audience member's parachute pants...both Starship AND McRib are banned from returning to East Rutherford, New Jersey...FOR-EVA!

Nah. That'll never happen.

Um...yeah. Please ignore the previous post...I'm looking into local AA groups as we speak.

You know...honestly? I started this as something that was worth-while and it just turned into a bunch of song lyrics...kinda like the previous entry...so, here we go...um, maybe 1970's?:

Come'on come'on, now touch me, babe! Can't you see that I am not afraid? What was that promise that you made?: So...here I am...I'm Jim Morrison...I've made nothing but prolific lyrics and melodies throughout my lifetime, so....hey..why not? Here's some random shit...hope you enjoy it. Da da da da da...Tequilla!

Oh...time warp. Imagine. It's 1981. I'm German...I'm not only confused, but I'm also hip...I find myself in tight, black leather...discotech...Visage...my apathetic foot taps as I look to the flashing blue ceiling tiles...I shuffle...I shimmy...I fade...I fade to grey...

Next thing I know...I've downed a pint of local brew...I'm surrounded by too many of my lost and hey, hey, hey disillusioned "working class"...I quote this because maybe we have a way out...and maybe we don't...but "Haaaayyyeee...come'on try a little...nothin' is forever...got to be somethin' better than, in the middle...me and Cinderalla, we put it all together...we can drive it home...with one headlight."

I wake up and I find that it tis' the millennium...and it feels like feelings are so hard that they've become soft and that pointless drivel is now, not only pointless, but actually being recorded...and then...well, it's nothing really to do with me...because, I only speak French now...do you speak Stereolab, yes?

Soooo....There's really no "Go Joe" lesson to be learned here. Only that, maybe...no matter where you're at, it damn make no sense...inhale those cigarettes....down that whiskey...kick that puppy..

Yeah...we'll..we'll do something...

I wish I were a Bangle.

Did anyone notice how well I used the subjunctive? No? Well...it just must be another manic...um...Tuesday...shit.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to climb inside a giant satellite dish and fall asleep? Really?

Weirdo.

I think there's probably a good chance that you could stay there for a while without anyone knowing...and maybe when you woke up, you would be filled with the knowledge of ALL the television programming that was transmitted during your sweet, sweet slumber...just think...every single infomercial about how to clean/eat/loose weight/make money/exist effortlessly...the History Channel could provide you with 22 different perspectives on Nazi Germany...AND, let's not forget...enough Three's Company re-runs for even the nuttiest Suzanne Sommers stalker.

This was my thought as I drove home tonight...well, this and what it would be like to hang billboards for a living...but, I tried to push that thought out as quick as possible because I have a history of making these kinds of absurdities reality...but, seriously...there's nothing absurd about hanging billboards...somebody has to do it. I should just make it a point to meet this
person rather than become them.

Sigh.

What have I been doing lately? That's not a rhetorical question. Really...if you could tell me I might be less confused...or even more confused due to YOU knowing what I'VE been doing while I seem to have no clue...

So...yeah. Since I hurt my feet last week in the mysterious "too old to break out in sprints" injury, I haven't been working very much...it follows the ancient flow chart of : hurt-->no work-->no money-->desperation-->selling plasma-->selling complimentary shot of donor orange juice-->dumpster diving

Right...I sense a bit of melodrama here...I mean, why would I go from selling plasma to dumpster diving when obviously I'd have money after the sale of my bodily fluids...Jesus.

In reality, I'm trying to use the down time to actually allow my feet to heal...sometime before Thursday, I'll be on the road to Houston again filled with joy over having the rest of my teeth drilled and a real crown (as much fun as having a piece of molded plastic in my mouth is...) put in. Yay dental hygiene...remember kids, the dentist isn't just telling you to floss because he likes to watch you bleed...

This trip should be particularly fun. So, there may be a few of you out there that don't know this yet, but I came out to my father last month. Yes, yes...this happened during a blog lapse...and, actually, it's a pretty good story...nothing violent or life shattering...but a good story that requires a space of its own...

ANYWAY...although I went through the emotionally-trying steps of talking to my father, I decided that I didn't really want to talk to my step-mother...I let dad do that for me. So, basically, I haven't seen her or talked to her since she found out the "news"...but, before I left, she did corner me and give me the spiel about the "real world" and how people are judged according to their appearances...Ok. That's almost another story that I'm too tired to tell right now, but I will say that I had some stuff to say for myself there as well...

So, I have this feeling that when I get there on Wednesday that I might have to endure several efforts to "straight-ify" me...one of which, I hope, includes a trip to the mall! I think the most extreme de-queering attempt I might face is a possible match-making session (Oh...pish posh...you just haven't had the right boy sweep you off your feet yet! )...or, on the other end of the spectrum, there may just be no talk at all...but, hey, the hardest part is seriously out of the way and I feel like I could pretty much do anything now...and I mean that...ANYTHING.

Right then...best hop to it.

Well, I'm not really sure I'm going to be feeling all into expressing my thoughts...not now...and not so much in the future. I don't want to go all out and make, yet once again, such bold statements...but, in reality, I've just been looking at everything and giving it an indifferent shrug.

The most intense feeling I've had in the past week has been dealing with my strong desire for cupcakes...and then, next thing I know, I find myself...cupcake in hand...not really knowing how God's mysterious plan intended to unfold...but...cupcake...

Or...maybe I'm lying...maybe I've been spending all my time, partially employed, thinking overtime...maybe I'm thinking that I'm unsatisfied...that no matter how much I keep trying to reassure myself that "things are just dandy" or "don't worry about the problems now...you're working towards a better future" that, in reality, my life is on a circular treadmill with a Spanish rendition of "Who Let the Dogs Out?" repeating on the IPod...

Maybe...just maybe...the former is also a lie...maybe I'm on top of things...maybe I've worked sooo incredibly hard, for all these years, to infiltrate the lowest of the low from the root...maybe I'm just waiting for the opportune moment to jump out of the bushes and declare that everything to this point has been nothing but a clever farce...and that my in-depth research on futility, loneliness and self-deprecation will be neatly summarized in a sociological abstract for my 2007 PhD thesis...

Hmmmm...maybe I'm not even thinking for myself..perhaps, I'm a puppet whose strings are being pulled by the triad of pop culture, Dr. Phil and the global political economy...Gwen Stephani governs the arms...pushing my hands towards McDonalds...snatching up Happy Meals that contain a shrink-wrapped CD/DVD single of "Hollaback Girl"...while my ass is sewed to the seat of a 2006 H3, I reach under the gargantuan bucket seat to search for a quarter or three...I stumble upon a copy of "Family First" and, next thing I know, my head is yanked upward and I start seriously thinking about how I can get real...

Maybe...reality is a mentally arranged construction of noises and movements...and, when they're deconstructed......?

So, I thought I'd re-start this whole blog thing with something I'm generally pretty good at: bitching.

In the past two days, I have managed to significantly injure, at the same time, BOTH of my feet...as you can probably guess, this puts a bit of a damper on my mobility. Now I'm just frustrated. Not only did I need to work, but I also wanted to do a slew of other activities that require me to use my feet...but, this is how the whole thing got started to begin with.

I decided on Tuesday that I was going to work my ass off because I needed some money (fancy that...) and that the best way to do this would be to squeeze in as much work into one day and then take a break the next day...so, that's what I did. I started around 10 a.m. and found myself done and sitting by 12 a.m...sure, my feet hurt...but, that's not really anything new...I expected that.

It was my stupidity yesterday that really sealed the deal. I went out to practice with my new soccer team (as an aside, I'm super out of shape, but I've stayed generally active my whole life, so I didn't think twice about at least trying..) and thought it would be ok if I just took off running without much warm-up...boy, I was wrong.

I've already played two games with these guys...just enough to show me how wicked out of shape I am and how bad I suck....but, I was just slightly sore all over...again, I expected this...but, this time, I think I've really done it...I've over-strained some ligaments in the heels of both my feet and, now, I'm able to walk with a ridiculous limp at about .1 miles per hour.

Go team. The lesson here is: If you are no longer 17, it is best to fully stretch out and warm up before breaking into 100 yard sprints...

I know this now....And, the shitty thing is, I have no health insurance...and I have no idea how long this bullshit is going to last. So...there you have it...bitching.

I figure I'm just going to sit outside for the rest of the day...reeking of Icey Hot and working on getting that job that doesn't require 12 hours of physical labor to pay the bills...

Hi. I don't mean to be confusing or anything...but, yes, this is the BBQ.

I finally got my internet set up the other day and so I thought it might be time to figure out where I should set up my interweb nest...

I was torn, really...I'm not much for going backwards, so I didn't want to go straight back to the Lesbo BBQ without making some changes. But, I decided I liked it here too much to start up a whole new space...but, I also liked the look of my East Coast home...so, here we have it...a hybrid.

Oh...and I'm lazy. I started messing with my templates and churning out a whole lotta web design CRAP (um...mostly because I'm no web designer...give me code and I'm cool...but, I don't get along with colors and layouts)...

So...now that I've bored you with a step-by-step rebirth of my blog...we can get down to the real fun...a return to pointless, everyday drivel!