Austin's Lesbo BBQ

Houston.

My dad's stupid dog chewed up my IPod earbuds...

I spent the majority of the day in department stores trying on "stylish" clothes and re-living the parts of my childhood where I was raised by the intelligent, yet amazingly dense male:

Father (holding up a teal halter top with layers of frou-frou sparkly-things: "See? This is a cute top."

Me: "Dad. This is the junior's section...not only would nothing here fit me, but it would also make me look like I was trying to be something that I'm not...sixteen."

I try not to be too hard on him...sometimes, he tries...

After shopping all afternoon and managing to score all of three pieces of clothing, I was forced to nap...because, in just a couple of hours, my step-brother was hosting 4 of his closest pre-teen buddies over to the house for his twelfth birthday party...first, Lazar Tag...then, a sleepover. Yippee. Did I mention it's also a sleepover*? Yeah. It is.

For some strange reason, I thought I would want to play Lazar Tag with a bunch of 12-year-olds...you know, I don't know what it is, but I can't seem to shake this childish desire to participate in any and all games no matter how "old" the competition...and, the really sad part is, that I always do my best to kick ass no matter what (not that I win all the time or anything)...I guess I have a lifetime of playing sports to thank for that.

As an aside, it was worth the 3 hours out of my day...why? Because, I was privy this conversation between two Hot Topic high-schoolers...

Part I

Teen Goth Girl 1 (with genuine sincerity): Oh hi! My gosh...you look so much prettier than the last time I saw you! No really! I mean it..."

Teen Goth Girl 2: Um...thanks.

Part II

Teen Goth Girl 1: Well...I just tell her "WTF" mean "What the Fudge?"...I don't think she knows anyway.

So, seeing that the entire establishment was filled to the brim with children 12 and younger (...and the others not doing much to distinguish themselves from the majority..), I decided that I should probably sit this round out...go adult! While the kids were being briefed on lazer-to-lazer combat behavior, my father, stepmother and I made our way upstairs to the civilian observation room...

Ok...this is was the weird part...in this room, there was a couch, some strange "futuristic" looking stools made out of black, ridged garden tubing and, um...a lone Cardio Glider. It wasn't in very good shape, but, it worked (of course I tried it...wouldn't you?)...so, what do you thing the owners of the LazerZone were trying to say here?...


"Feel free to watch your kids shoot at each other, or just put your feet up and relax..or, if you'd like, you could always work off a couple of those pounds on a fad exercise machine that we weren't able to push off on an unsuspecting slack-jaw at our last garage sale."

I don't know...Maybe I'm being presumptuous here, but couldn't they have at least parted with their Gazelle? It really gives a much smoother, full-body workout...


* If I'm a target of any sleepover tomfoolery, you can bet there will be some sixth-grade ass-smashing. I doubt it though...my quietness seems to hold some air of intimidation. I love it...because, I'm such a wuss