Austin's Lesbo BBQ

Here's to the end of an eleven hour work day...

Yes, I know it seems strange, but delivering pizzas for that long can actually be quite tiring...with the lifting and the knocking and the "Have a nice day"s...meh.

Earlier in this evening, I was accosted by a youth wearing a football helmet that apparently couldn't control himself in the presence of hot, home-delivered fast food. I was actually pretty frightened when he started grunting and pawing at the bag...next thing I know, he had dropped to the ground and was sort of writhing while chanting "PIZZA! PIZZA! PIZZA!"

Highly disturbing.

I just stood there waiting for his mom to come and pay me for the food...and maybe even bridle her monkey-child at the same time. No such luck. When she came to the door, she looked at me and jokingly said "Huh. Yeah...he just got let out the mental institution."

I grew uneasy and found myself locked in a cold, penetrating stare with this woman...I softly uttered, "Yeah. Me too....you ever eat cold refried beans with your fingers? They're a good source of fiber..." It made the remaining 20 seconds of our encounter awkward, but I think I got my point across.

Ok. I'm living in my fantasy world again. Everything was true up until my inflated response to the pizza eater's comments. We all know that I'm not that witty, quick or bold enough to come up with such a response. But, it's my blog...and, goddamnit, if I want to be a fairy princess here...I'm going to be a fucking fairy princess.

Meanwhile back in reality...outside of pizza land...and then back into my head...I've been feeling like the subject of Morrissey’s cheeky sneering in "Suedehead." I could go into detail about my patheticness or, more importantly, my undying obsession with Morrissey...but, dear friends and random blog readers, I think I've subjected you to enough dead horse flogging when it comes to my personal life.

So....

Ya'll have a nice day!

I'm bored. I'm depressed....and listening to Coldplay non-stop isn't helping.

Usually I can put my finger on something that's doing this to me...but not this time. It's been going on for a couple of months now. I was previously blaming it on the holidays...but they're long over and I'm still here.

I know it's nothing to worry about...I can still get up in the morning, um...early afternoon and earn money. My cats are still alive and the kitchen is free of vermin. I sometimes think I know what my general problem is...I bore too easily. I've known this my entire life and I have yet to come up with a workable solution to this problem...besides not committing to anything...and it's even hard to commit to that.

Oh well.

On the up side, I'm going camping on the beach in 5 days! That's right...it's vacation time again. This is one of the things that I do to temporarily cure my lethargy. My main goals for this 3 day trip will be to collect shells and try to keep the tent from being swept away by high tide.

We'll see if I can accomplish these small goals...just remember: Aim Low!

Once again, I'm posting some rants that would have been more appropriately posted a few weeks ago. But, if anyone is keeping score, I suggest you stop. There are better things to apply your energy towards.

Anyway...I present to you:

Stuff that is no longer funny, affective, hip and/or necessary for 2005...and should really, really go away:

1. ANYTHING that is a take off of that goddamn "Got Milk?" ad campaign. For example: "Got Bunions?", "Got Soil?", "Got Jesus?".... I saw a guy sitting in the H.E.B. pharmacy today with a "Got Beer?" hat on...I had to use every last ounce of my self-restraint to keep myself from approching this guy and saying, "You know...that's just not funny. I don't think it ever was. Ever."

2. Anybody who pipes in with "Can you hear me now? Good!" after hearing someone else say "Can you hear me?"...as if dealing with crappy cell phone service wasn't enough.

3. Moronic comments made in elevators directed towards the pizza delivery person. Including: "Hey, I was wondering where that yummy smell was coming from!", "You'd better watch out, 'cause I'm pretty hungry...", and my all time favorite "Oh...Follow me, that's going to my office...huh, just kidding." That last one really gets me because, for fuck's sake, I don't know who I'm delivering to! I fall for it every time.

By the way, I'm not uncomfortable waiting in silence for my floor to arrive...what do you have to say for yourself?

4. Bands that try to look and/or sound like The Strokes or Franz Ferdinand who are not The Strokes or Franz Ferdinand.

5. Magnetic ribbon car decal thingys. I'm not sure if an impulse buy at the local Walgreens qualifies support. Do your part! Make sure that you declare all your magnetic standings on the back of your Toyota Sienna...somehow I feel that if these decals were permanent stickers rather than removable magnets, there'd be far less visible support for all these causes.

Maybe I'm being insensitive...but...


Props to Mary for sending me this very thoughtful and completely appropriate post card...and Mary, you'll never know my last name...teachers, friends, family and the government have been struggling for the past 96 years...join the party.

*Yeah. Cracker's "Teen Angst"...That song has some of the best words ever put to music...outside of Will Smith's "Gettin' Jiggy With It", of course.

It's grey and cold outside. I want to be where it's sunny and warm. I thought that was one of the reasons I've been telling myself to stay in Texas. It's supposed to be hot here all year. Stupid nature.

The chilly weather is forcing me to stay in my house all day listening to Roxette on my day off...checking the mail every 23 minutes...leafing through back issues of Glamour...and naming my favorite inanimate objects and plants. My sweet basil plant has been fitted with the name Romulus...he patiently awaits the arrival of his brother Remus...as soon as Home Depot decides to start selling herbs again.

Ok. That's a really bad excuse. Unfortunately, I don't have a better one.

During the past couple of weeks, I've actually been working close to 40 hours at the pizza place. To most people, working full time would be a good thing, but for me, it makes me feel like a loser. I don't know how to explain it. I guess it makes me more of a career pizza delivery girl than I'd like to be. I need new goals.

I've gone through a few in my head: notary public, ordained minister, worm farmer...and I still have the pipe dream of one day piloting the Austin Duck Tours hydrobus.

I'm always open to suggestions…preferably ones that don't require too much more schooling or life-long commitments.

Ok. I'm at a loss.

I can't come up with enough material to push that damn post into the archives.

But...just think! You've gained so much in the past few posts...a complete biography of The Farm, a brief glimpse into the life of a Me-a-rific Christmas, AND Thanksgiving...and let's not forget the lesson we've all learned:

Blogs are best left to the non-alcoholics and less vocal members of our society...

Good night.

I took this picture in Chicago while riding in my cousin's car...it's nothing special, but I felt all art-inspired after leaving the Art Institute. It's kinda like that guy who did all those drawings of the bloke with hat and umbrella...you know what I'm talking about...don't pretend like you don't, damnit.

Here we go...I know it's about three weeks late, but just imagine...trying to sleep in an already unfamilar setting...and then you peak up from your blanket and encouter an incredibly creepy snowman balloon. It's just plain wrong, I tell you, for ANYONE to consider this a festive addition to the holiday decor...

By the way...I didn't write any of this, but damn if "Groovy Train" and "All Together Now" don't get me a-movin':

One of the stranger overnight success stories in pop history, the chameleon-like Farm was formed in Liverpool, England in 1983 by singer Peter Hooton , a onetime youth worker searching for a musical outlet to voice his political concerns.

Rounded out by guitarist Stevie Grimes, bassist Phil Strongman and drummer Andy McVann , the first incarnation of the Farm recalled both the leftist identity and horn-powered sound of the Redskins ; dubbed"the Soul of Socialism,"the group promoted its music not only through live appearances but also via The End , a soccer fanzine published by Hooton.

Despite a handful of independent singles and the addition of a full-time brass section comprised of Anthony Evans, Steve Levy , George Maher and John Melvin , the Farm found little interest in their pop-flavored northern soul. Still, they soldiered on, even weathering the 1986 death of McVann, who perished in a car crash after attempting to outrun the police. With drummer Roy Boulter installed as McVann's replacement and bassist Carl Hunter substituting for the newly exited Strongman, the Farm dropped their horn section and added keyboardist Benjamin Leach and second guitarist Keith Mullen, resulting in a move toward synth pop; 1988's"Body and Soul,"their fourth overall single and the first from their new lineup, became a minor club hit. Still, the Farm struggled; finally, in 1990 they approached dance producer Terry Farley , who agreed to produce a sample-heavy cover of the Monkees' "Stepping Stone. "The single fell just shy of the Top 40, and suddenly the group found themselves aligned with the baggy pants club culture movement promoted by the likes of Happy Mondays and the Soup Dragons .

The Farm's next single,"Groovy Train,"hit the U. K. Top Ten, while the anthemic follow-up"All Together Now"-- based on the melody of Pachelbel's Canon -- landed in the Top Five and sold over 500,000 copies. Eight years after their inception, the Farm finally issued their debut LP Spartacus in 1991; the album entered the British charts at number one, and international deals with Sony and Sire quickly followed. The band's moment in the limelight was a brief one, however; their next two singles,"Don't Let Me Down"and"Mind,"both failed to penetrate the Top 30, and 1991's quickly produced follow-up LP, Love See No Colour , sank without a trace. Aside from a Top 20 cover of the Human League's "Don't You Want Me?"in 1992, the Farm essentiall

The Farm's next single,"Groovy Train,"hit the U. K. Top Ten, while the anthemic follow-up"All Together Now"-- based on the melody of Pachelbel's Canon -- landed in the Top Five and sold over 500,000 copies. Eight years after their inception, the Farm finally issued their debut LP Spartacus in 1991; the album entered the British charts at number one, and international deals with Sony and Sire quickly followed. The band's moment in the limelight was a brief one, however; their next two singles,"Don't Let Me Down"and"Mind,"both failed to penetrate the Top 30, and 1991's quickly produced follow-up LP, Love See No Colour , sank without a trace. Aside from a Top 20 cover of the Human League's "Don't You Want Me?"in 1992, the Farm essentially vanished from sight, releasing 1994's Hullabaloo to minimal notice.

Yeah.

..the stars may advise you to inform the world* of the unequivocal musical genuis that is...The Farm.

*world=all three lesbo bbq readers

and you're incredibly lacking in the Mel-a-rific Creativity Department®*

*all rights reserved, muther fuckers.

to push your most recent posts into the archives...

When you're looking for the best way...

Have you ever thought that you were going crazy and then realized that you're far too rational to be considered psychotic...but then wished that you actually were losing it, because it would make a lot more sense?

Yes. Daily.

Everyone's with me, right?

Don't get me wrong...I'm not being insensitive to people with actual mental conditions. But, when you think about it, at least these people know what's fucking them up. Medications and therapy can be had...it comes down to one thing: solutions.

Damn. I want some of those...are the generic being prescribed yet?

I've also had my qualms with the women's liberation movement lately. If it weren't for all those independent thinking, rabble-rousing women of our past, I would be quite satisfied with finding a suitable* husband, perfecting a variety of loaves and watching my bow and knicker adorned kin play in the yard.

But, NO...I have to be presented all these "choices" on a silver platter...career, self-reliance, sexuality, smoking or non-smoking, aisle or window.... Gah. Now I actually have to WORK to make myself a complete person.

I could be more realistic about my issues and distribute the blame appropriately... starting with Jennifer and Brad for shattering my faith in the sanctity of marriage...or my cats for repeatedly waking me up at 5 a.m. and making me cranky with their production of the Kitty Indie 500...or my slightly bent car key for insisting on the use of creative jiggling to get into my truuuuuuck.

Needless to say, I have to blame someone or something...I can't actually accept that I might have something to do with it...

*100,000K+ per year, advanced college degree, striking good looks, and the type of social charisma that keeps a cocktail party going ALL NIGHT LONG.

Yes, yes...I know. I haven't put anything else up here...and I still don't have anything to say.

The most exciting buzz around town lately has been all about The Real World and how Austin is the next host for MTV's newest group of dramatic, young, All-American jackoffs. As you can tell, I'm a real fan of the show.

Actually, I have nothing against the show...and I really wonder why it took them so long to get here. Prepare yourself to catch every angle of 6th street, Congress, and 6th street this season...it's a TRUE story, people!

During a brief and more exhilarating moment of my life today, I thought I was going to be jet-setting at the end of the month...this time to Florida. But, unfortunately, my lazy ass waited too long to book the $99 round trip flight and now it's back up in the $200 range. Fuckers. Oh, but I'll be watching...don't even think that I won't...and as soon as it gets back down in the dirt cheap range, I'll be on a flight...

This spring, I'll be taking every chance I get to get out of this rut-inducing city...mark my words.

So here's my first post for 2005...

I have to tell you, I haven't felt much like posting anything up here lately...my thoughts have been scattered...the days have all blended together and been pretty blah...maybe the new year will bring on a new, boring, uninteresting and unbloggable life for the Lesbo BBQ author.

The last couple of weeks have been filled with visiting friends and family...leaving me both elated and depressed. Tomorrow officially marks the day where things should return to normal...whatever "normal" may be.

Hopefully, the next time you decide to read this, it'll be more interesting...