Austin's Lesbo BBQ

Little girl: I'm tired of thinking about ponies! Now it's time to kill!

How'd she know that? I thought that I was the only one whose trains of thought went from ponies to death...

Speaking of little kids...or ponies...or whatever....this morning, I was listening to a CD my dad gave me when I was in Houston last week. Sometime in 1982...my dad decided that it would be a good idea to make a tape recording of him and I reading stories and singing songs...and other blah blah 3 year-old things.

I didn't discover too much about my 23-year-ago self...however, in 1982, I was entirely fascinated by the microphone. I didn't understand how anything I said could possibly be getting onto the tape machine if I wasn't able to physically touch the microphone. There were several instances where I made bold attempts to put the microphone in my mouth despite my father's warnings.

This may explain my life-long desire to witness Bob Barker finally giving in and gnawing on that Dum-Dum shaped microphone...it's only inches from his mouth! Come on....I'd do it on accident, eventually....but, I guess that's why I'm not the host of The Price Is Right.

Hi. I'm Bob Barker and I'm hungry...oh, looky here...my microphone sure looks tasty...like a lollypop. Raaarr...chomp...chomp...mmmm Root Beer-y flavored...watch out, little lady...you're next! *wink*

So, aside from my microphone obsession, my dad had me "reading" several of my favorite books....I quote that because, although most of you would probably like to believe that I've been this brilliant since age 3, I actually couldn't read back then...but, I could memorize shit that was repeated over and over again. I read some book about a bear party and out-of-control popcorn...I think I enjoyed saying the word "bear"....I took every opportunity to point out that, although the book character was dressed up as a cowboy, he was in actuality, a cowboy bear...

It was nice, though...it made me realize (more so) that I have a really good dad. He read me stories...and learned me. That's more than a lot of dads do and I'm lucky. Ok...sniff...let's move on.

After my 14 total hours of work tomorrow (um...I mean, for the week, not the day) I get to go CAMPING! Finally. It's been far too long...my last camping trip was to New Hampshire back in August...QP was there...remember? She's in Connecticut...so, she'll either have to hurry the fuck up and get down to Texas or be there in spirit....

I've been semi-planning this trip since April or so...and I was going to go whether I had fellow campers or not...damn it! But, I'm glad I found some peeps that are also interested in going out and trying some new, challenging fun. This time around, we're going all "hard-core", loading up our backpacks and hitting the trail...

I went shopping today to stock up on jerky, trail mix and other outdoorsy supplies...I spent most of my time at Academy because they have all the necessaties for the non-yuppie camper. But, unfortunately, I was forced to go to REI to find some parts for my fancy-pants light-weight backpacking stove.

In theory, I don't have anything against REI. I love being outside...I like hiking...and camping...and all the stuff that they're all about...but, at the same time, I think they're ridiculously overpriced and, well, snooty. I don't really believe they their shit is any better than other reasonably priced outdoor retailer's. There. I said it.

BUT...I have this backpacking stove that I knew was missing a fuel canister and a pressure pump...blah....and I knew Academy wouldn't have this stuff...so, I found myself at REI. I walked into the store and talked to a lady who directed me toward the glass backpacking stove counter...

The stove associate was busy with another customer when I walked into his section...and, when he was done, I could've swore I heard him say to her "Well, good luck with your backpacking trip to Iraq"...I'm hoping that I was mistaken, because I wouldn't want to know the circumstances surrounding that vacation/adventure...

By the time he got to me, I had pretty much found my way to the parts that I needed...but, I'm no expert, so I decided to double-check with him...and, apparently, he is an expert...I don't know what they call it...Stove-ology? Stove-a-metrics? No, no...I got it...he was a Directional Heat-Deploying-Unit Specialist. Yes.

So, I asked him..."Um...hi. I have this stove that I sort of inherited...and, as far as I can tell, it's missing the fuel canister and the pressure pump. Do you know which one of these kits I should get?"

And his response?..."Oh yeah...it's this one. Now, see...this is the newer model. How old is your stove? Seven years? Yeah...it'll fit. In fact, it'll work better. The old model had a double-insulated supply line that didn't do a very good job at regulated the amount of fuel directed towards the burner. But, this new one is based on a double-helix design...you know, like DNA? (umm...yes?) So, when you hook up your fuel canister at the supply link, it's a lot less likely to leak...this really give you much more control of your fuel supply. Right? Let's say that you wanted to simmer...with the old pressure pump, you would've had to calibrate the pistons at the intake valve and lubricated the chassis...but, with the NEW pump, the double helix supply line............

I think he KNEW stoves!

The associate actually talked decently fast, so I wasn't there for very long...and, hey, I learned something new! Double-helix is like DNA...there...now I know.

So, then I went to check out...I handed the guy at the register my super-high tech backpacking supplies and he looks at me and says, "Um...you know you need a stove to go with this, right?" I thought he might be kidding...I'm pretty familiar with the dry sense of humor...but, when I looked at him, it was apparent that he was serious. I replied, "Yeah...I've got it right here...I brought it with me...I just needed some parts." The next thing he says is "Well, you might want to think about investing in a cleaning kit for it...it'll keep you from having to replace these parts again."

Ok...I don't really get noticeably irritated often, but this guy about to put me there...so, I said "Well, yeah...I can understand that...but, I'm not buying these parts because the old ones were dirty.....I need them because the old ones are LOST."

His only response was "Well, you're golden, then, but some people don't know....would you like to become a member for only $15?...No? It'll take $3 off your purchase right now...No? It's only a one time charge and the benefits last a lifetime...No?...."

So, I've figured out why the prices at REI are so goddamn high and I think it has something to do with their requirement for all their employees to have their PhD in Outdoortology...

I figure I'm good...since I've sunk all this money into camping supplies, I'll be set when I find myself homeless next month due to lack of employment...hmmm...maybe REI is hiring....

Whatev...I'll escape it all Saturday morning when I go get dirty in the hills.

# posted by themellenhead @ 11:53 PM