2.22.2007
I'm the White Rabbit.
It took long enough, but I finally made the stupid transition from Blogger to Google ruled Blogger. As far as I can tell, there's no difference...except that when trying to get to my blog for the past month I've been directed to sites that won't actually take me where I wanna go. It doesn't really matter. I changed it and now I'm sure that I'm connected and there will be no blindness, stumbling or falling (that's a far-fetched early nineties reference....ignore it at will.)
In other news, I've been confined indoors for the past week as I participate in a clinic trial for an up and coming drug....of some sort. Several people have requested that I blog about my experiences as a human lab rat, but...honestly...despite the HOARDS of free time that I have while shut in at the clinic, I don't really feel the drive to write about it. I think it's the lack of caffeine. But, I figured I'd try to get out an overview and then maybe if I feel like it (as I will be here until Monday), I can add on. Right then. Let's go.
1) What kind of people participate in these trials?
This has probably been the most common question. My father assumed that they were mostly students. I, on the other hand, had no assumptions upon entering, so it has left me to soak it alllllllllll up with an open mind. But, as I've found out, it takes all kinds...and by all kinds, I mean plenty of douche bags, several people who obviously lied about their psychiatric history to gain admittance, a plethora of individuals looking to "hook up" and then, of course, me...uummm, I don't think I fit into any of the previous categories, but I'm sure there's a spot for me somewhere.
If one thing is certain, I have definitely met some characters in here. Some are dynamic and likable and others, well...let's just say that I have my ways of being friendly, but still keeping to myself. Some of the more interesting characters include:
-the guy who repeats nearly everything he hears. At first, I thought he was mocking the teevee or other people, but then after a couple days of spending time with him I realized that he, in fact, was compulsively repeating every word his mind could get a grasp on. Strangely, he doesn't do this when you're having a conversation with him, only when he's passively listening. Weird.
-the 53 year old man who has bleach blond hair, sports acid-wash jeans and talks loudly and assuredly about any inane topic that any uninterested person could possibly imagine.
-some guy who tries to start cocky, idiotic arguments. For example, during lunch yesterday, I was privy to this mind boggling query: "Why is it that it's okay to show naked babies on television but not naked adults? It's a double standard, if you ask me...think about it." Later that evening, I overheard him informing his fellow poker players that he could count cards or fix the game, but he chooses to play fairly so that everyone may enjoy the hand at play.
-the oversexed lesbian who spends approximately ten hours a day on the phone talking dirty to her girlfriend....and, no, she does not feel the need to do this privately nor is she remotely cute.
I'll stop there for now because I could probably go on for some time if I didn't....at this point, I will add that I am not pained by the people around me; I enjoy a nice mix of personalities for my own entertainment.
2) What sort of activities are you engaged in while you are at the clinic?
Well....all sorts!!! It strongly reminds me of rehab (...I mean, what I know about it...) with no visitations and less talking about your feelings and abilities to cope. When I first entered the study, we were given an orientation and a clipboard containing lots of papers with our procedures and the exact time to report for them. EVERYTHING here is scheduled...on the day I took the medication (dosed), there were blood draws every hour (actually, every 15 minutes in the first hour) and the proceeded to collect our pee for the next 72 hours. Yes. I had to pee in a bucket-like thing every single time I went....
On the fun side....well, there isn't much of a "fun" side. Most of the day is spent in complete idleness. I've chosen to read, be on the computer constantly, finish up (yet another) Peace Corps questionnaire, and sleep. Many people have chosen to watch movies or teevee all day. That kind of stuff makes me feel brain dead, so I've only been doing it at night.
Ooooh! I almost forgot to mention the activities!! This is the part that reminds me of rehab. Everyday, there's a whiteboard in the cafeteria that post the day's activity. Today, it was Texas Hold 'em (I didn't play because I knew the aforementioned douche bag would mostly likely be present), yesterday it was arts and crafts, and the day before it was Bingo. I can only imagine what tomorrow holds...
3) What are the facilities like?
They're quite posh, in that hospital kind of way...two big screen teevees, a pool table, a computer room with comfy chairs and dorm style accommodations with four sets of bunk beds to a room.
4) What are the down sides?
Well, that depends on your perspective. There's always an element of risk to taking drugs still in the experimental phase, we're not allowed to go outside...which leads to much stir-craziness, you should be highly tolerant of all sorts of people and their annoying habits, and some say the food...but, I like cafeteria food.
I'll have to end there for now, as my scheduled dinner time is close at hand. I'm looking forward to a nice meal and a beer next week!!
In other news, I've been confined indoors for the past week as I participate in a clinic trial for an up and coming drug....of some sort. Several people have requested that I blog about my experiences as a human lab rat, but...honestly...despite the HOARDS of free time that I have while shut in at the clinic, I don't really feel the drive to write about it. I think it's the lack of caffeine. But, I figured I'd try to get out an overview and then maybe if I feel like it (as I will be here until Monday), I can add on. Right then. Let's go.
1) What kind of people participate in these trials?
This has probably been the most common question. My father assumed that they were mostly students. I, on the other hand, had no assumptions upon entering, so it has left me to soak it alllllllllll up with an open mind. But, as I've found out, it takes all kinds...and by all kinds, I mean plenty of douche bags, several people who obviously lied about their psychiatric history to gain admittance, a plethora of individuals looking to "hook up" and then, of course, me...uummm, I don't think I fit into any of the previous categories, but I'm sure there's a spot for me somewhere.
If one thing is certain, I have definitely met some characters in here. Some are dynamic and likable and others, well...let's just say that I have my ways of being friendly, but still keeping to myself. Some of the more interesting characters include:
-the guy who repeats nearly everything he hears. At first, I thought he was mocking the teevee or other people, but then after a couple days of spending time with him I realized that he, in fact, was compulsively repeating every word his mind could get a grasp on. Strangely, he doesn't do this when you're having a conversation with him, only when he's passively listening. Weird.
-the 53 year old man who has bleach blond hair, sports acid-wash jeans and talks loudly and assuredly about any inane topic that any uninterested person could possibly imagine.
-some guy who tries to start cocky, idiotic arguments. For example, during lunch yesterday, I was privy to this mind boggling query: "Why is it that it's okay to show naked babies on television but not naked adults? It's a double standard, if you ask me...think about it." Later that evening, I overheard him informing his fellow poker players that he could count cards or fix the game, but he chooses to play fairly so that everyone may enjoy the hand at play.
-the oversexed lesbian who spends approximately ten hours a day on the phone talking dirty to her girlfriend....and, no, she does not feel the need to do this privately nor is she remotely cute.
I'll stop there for now because I could probably go on for some time if I didn't....at this point, I will add that I am not pained by the people around me; I enjoy a nice mix of personalities for my own entertainment.
2) What sort of activities are you engaged in while you are at the clinic?
Well....all sorts!!! It strongly reminds me of rehab (...I mean, what I know about it...) with no visitations and less talking about your feelings and abilities to cope. When I first entered the study, we were given an orientation and a clipboard containing lots of papers with our procedures and the exact time to report for them. EVERYTHING here is scheduled...on the day I took the medication (dosed), there were blood draws every hour (actually, every 15 minutes in the first hour) and the proceeded to collect our pee for the next 72 hours. Yes. I had to pee in a bucket-like thing every single time I went....
On the fun side....well, there isn't much of a "fun" side. Most of the day is spent in complete idleness. I've chosen to read, be on the computer constantly, finish up (yet another) Peace Corps questionnaire, and sleep. Many people have chosen to watch movies or teevee all day. That kind of stuff makes me feel brain dead, so I've only been doing it at night.
Ooooh! I almost forgot to mention the activities!! This is the part that reminds me of rehab. Everyday, there's a whiteboard in the cafeteria that post the day's activity. Today, it was Texas Hold 'em (I didn't play because I knew the aforementioned douche bag would mostly likely be present), yesterday it was arts and crafts, and the day before it was Bingo. I can only imagine what tomorrow holds...
3) What are the facilities like?
They're quite posh, in that hospital kind of way...two big screen teevees, a pool table, a computer room with comfy chairs and dorm style accommodations with four sets of bunk beds to a room.
4) What are the down sides?
Well, that depends on your perspective. There's always an element of risk to taking drugs still in the experimental phase, we're not allowed to go outside...which leads to much stir-craziness, you should be highly tolerant of all sorts of people and their annoying habits, and some say the food...but, I like cafeteria food.
I'll have to end there for now, as my scheduled dinner time is close at hand. I'm looking forward to a nice meal and a beer next week!!
2.04.2007
It's not easy being green.
10 fascinating, life-affirming exerts from my childhood diary, circa 1992-1993...feel free to stop yourself from reading before the end of the list if my early-teenage awesomeness is just too much to handle!:
1. The summer of '92 is going to be COOL!
2. I'm going to be in 8th grade. 93' will rule!
3. I'm not going to camp in October. I want to, but Mom won't let me.
P.S. I hate Peter
4. I feel like on 90210 the episode where Brenda and Kelly are in a big fight because they both like Dylan. Only Brenda broke up with Dylan but Kelly went out with him.
5. 93' rulz
6. Super Bowl Sunday. Wow. I've gotta bet with my dad that Buffalo will win. "We'll see." he said.
7. I was just walking around the library 6th hour when somebody called my name. Now it's not like this is a big deal, but this is a popular guy that knew my name and said hi! I not popular, so I didn't know he know my name. He asked me why I wasn't in library aid 6th hour anymore. I told him why and said that I'm in journalism now. He said, "That sucks." That means it sucks that I'm not in 6th hour with him anymore! I said I had to finish my project and I said bye. Isn't that great? TAAS is Thursday and all this high school stuff is confusing.
8. Mom told me today that we might move to London. London is a whole different country, a new language! I was hoping someday we could move back to California.
9. I met a nice, cute guy when I was camping with the soccer team. He seemed to like me. He's in eighth grade, tall, smokes and is really cute. He wanted me jump off the bridge with him into the water. <---*Yes, dad, apparently 13-year-old me really WOULD jump off a bridge if some-guy-I-just-met did. I smart.*
10. Now that I think about it, Arkansas was fun.
1. The summer of '92 is going to be COOL!
2. I'm going to be in 8th grade. 93' will rule!
3. I'm not going to camp in October. I want to, but Mom won't let me.
P.S. I hate Peter
4. I feel like on 90210 the episode where Brenda and Kelly are in a big fight because they both like Dylan. Only Brenda broke up with Dylan but Kelly went out with him.
5. 93' rulz
6. Super Bowl Sunday. Wow. I've gotta bet with my dad that Buffalo will win. "We'll see." he said.
7. I was just walking around the library 6th hour when somebody called my name. Now it's not like this is a big deal, but this is a popular guy that knew my name and said hi! I not popular, so I didn't know he know my name. He asked me why I wasn't in library aid 6th hour anymore. I told him why and said that I'm in journalism now. He said, "That sucks." That means it sucks that I'm not in 6th hour with him anymore! I said I had to finish my project and I said bye. Isn't that great? TAAS is Thursday and all this high school stuff is confusing.
8. Mom told me today that we might move to London. London is a whole different country, a new language! I was hoping someday we could move back to California.
9. I met a nice, cute guy when I was camping with the soccer team. He seemed to like me. He's in eighth grade, tall, smokes and is really cute. He wanted me jump off the bridge with him into the water. <---*Yes, dad, apparently 13-year-old me really WOULD jump off a bridge if some-guy-I-just-met did. I smart.*
10. Now that I think about it, Arkansas was fun.
2.01.2007
Fighting fire with fire...gonna burst into flames!
Things have been so weird lately. It seems like the holidays were at least three months ago and when I look at a calendar, I'm surprised to see that today is the first of February. I've pretty much decided the confusion is completely due to the lack of stability in my life and more rapid transitions.
I should be pretty accustomed to this by now.....right? Yeah, that's what I thought. I've had more episodes of anxiety and racing thoughts than a big-suited, jig-dancing David Bryne could shake a stick at. Most likely, a combination of too much coffee and the feeling that I'm retrospectively piecing together each day is to blame.
I also had a couple things happen to me today that were small, but they managed to open up my senses a bit.
First off, I was a substitute 7th grade Language Arts! (I just like it better with an exclamation point) teacher today. In general, I've worn out my desire to do this job, yet...without a doubt...everyday that I go in, something happens that certainly wouldn't have if I'd, um, stayed home. Yes. It's that deep.
So, overall, my day at this middle school was not bad at all. I dealt with the typical 12-year-old crap of, "Miiiiiiizzzzzzzz.....she took my pen again! Tell her to give it back. Ooooh girl! You don't even wanna see me wipe the ground with yo' face!" And despite how many times I expressed that I really did not care about the background to the story, but that if they couldn't settle, what appears to be a small and insignificant conflict, that they can either go to the counselor or principle to help them........I STILL found myself telling Child A to stop touching Child B...or, Child C! Child C! Child C! I think I've said your name at least five times....I kept my cool quite well today!
The teacher assigned each class period the exhausting task of watching a movie. But, mind you, not just ANY movie, but the biography of Mozart! Please...if you will for just a moment, try to imagine the mind of a typical seventh grader...his or her interests, hobbies, movies or music that might get their attention. Now...let me see, by a show of hands....how many of you chose a 1996 A&E Biography of a classical composer? Just one of you? Really?? I'm surprised!
I did my best to pique their interest from the beginning by talking about how cool it was to be named Wolfgang. And, not only that, but...just out of curiosity...has anyone in here composed an opera or concerto? No? Gosh...well, Mozart had done both of those by the time he was your age!
Slackers.
Okay, okay....so, I didn't reallllly make them feeling bad for not being child prodigies. But, I did entertain several highly amusing questions from the class, including a request from a squeaky, blonde-headed boy for us to watch a film on Def Leopard instead. I told him that, sadly, I did not posses such a video, but if I did, we would surely be watching that. My second favorite question of the day came from the same class period. Another boy, who I noticed out of the corner of my eye, was way too excited about the film, eagerly approached me gripping a piece of paper with several of Mozart's works already jotted down. His query, an innocently smug, "Ma'am? Are these some of Mozart's works that might be mentioned in this film?" was, in the very least, an indication of homosexual leanings. Hey...I don't have any problem with it! He just may be the next Mozart....or, um, Billy Joel.
I had to be honest with him. I told him that I wasn't that familiar with Mozart (despite that period being the third time I'd watched the movie) so he'd just have to watch and check them off. I hate suck-ups, so I gave him a piece of candy and a pat on the head.
Most of the day went just that smoothly....until the very end. The last class was pretty much out-of-control, and I'm not one to over react, but in my exact words in the note that I left for the teacher: These guys really pushed it. Eventually, I resorted to calling in a hall monitor and he removed four students from the class....strangely, not a new record for me...and after that, everyone pretty much stop thinking that I might be nice and, instead, shut the fuck up.
But, before this happened, I was still addressing each student individually about his or her behavior. And, in my opinion, I think I do it pretty nicely. I give them options: Would you like to work out in the hall? Maybe this will keep you from being distracted and getting yourself in trouble? Okay....I need you to move to the other side of the room then. Etc, etc.
So, while I was still in this stage, one of the boys looked at me and asked, "Were you ever a sub at an elementary school?" I kind of had to stop and think about that one before I responded with, "Um, no....I don't think so. Well, not when you would have been in elementary school." And, he just kept looking at me, not in a malicious way or anything as he continued to ask me questions. "Have you ever been to Jones Middle School? Sixth grade? Weren't you a sub for Ms. Wade last year?" I still wasn't completely sure about what he was getting at, but his questions were starting to jog my memory, although, I had already decided to not "get into it" with him no matter what he brought up.
Apparently, after some memory searching, he remembered that I had written him a discipline referral LAST year for outrageously cussing me out. It had slipped my mind. I very vaguely remember this, but not nearly as well as he did.
Regardless of our realization, he still managed to be one of the four boys that I had removed from the class by the end of the period. Tis silly how that happens.
This made me shutter. I don't think it will ever stop weirding me out. No matter how transient my lifestyle is...no matter how unfocused on the present I am...or how shitty my day goes, I'm still having an impact on these kids. Not that the impact is all that significant or positive, but it's still there. For this particular student, I had put, yet another, mark in his discipline record.
This is simply overwhelming to me.
My brain still lives in a state of invisibility...I've always felt like I've floated through this world, not necessarily invisible, but probably more translucent. Laws of physics, due to my physical presence, dictate that people move or react to me. Other than that, I don't ever expect any emotion or memory to be tied to the action.
I thought more about this as I was driving home from school in rush hour traffic. One more perk of my job is that my drive in traffic is always a little bit different, so I'm not nearly as bitter as the other commuters. Today, it was rainy outside so I was forced to drive with my window down in attempt to keep my windows from fogging (old car, no fancy air-conditioning.)
There was nothing all that special about this drive, but as I took the exit from Mopac onto 360, an unexpected whiff of smoked BBQ came through my window on a warm, humid breeze. I was nowhere near a restaurant that I could see and the breeze seemed particularly warm for a chilly day in February....but, nevertheless, coupled with the pleasant tunes on the radio, it made me feel very warm inside. That smell brought back a whole host of memories about why I loved Texas. It reminded me of swimming in the summertime...lingering BBQ smells...hanging out and drinking beer.
So, yeah...that's it...the two things that awoke my senses today. Hey...with an upward trend like this, who knows what tomorrow will bring!
Well, I have a slight idea...but, that another story altogether.
I should be pretty accustomed to this by now.....right? Yeah, that's what I thought. I've had more episodes of anxiety and racing thoughts than a big-suited, jig-dancing David Bryne could shake a stick at. Most likely, a combination of too much coffee and the feeling that I'm retrospectively piecing together each day is to blame.
I also had a couple things happen to me today that were small, but they managed to open up my senses a bit.
First off, I was a substitute 7th grade Language Arts! (I just like it better with an exclamation point) teacher today. In general, I've worn out my desire to do this job, yet...without a doubt...everyday that I go in, something happens that certainly wouldn't have if I'd, um, stayed home. Yes. It's that deep.
So, overall, my day at this middle school was not bad at all. I dealt with the typical 12-year-old crap of, "Miiiiiiizzzzzzzz.....she took my pen again! Tell her to give it back. Ooooh girl! You don't even wanna see me wipe the ground with yo' face!" And despite how many times I expressed that I really did not care about the background to the story, but that if they couldn't settle, what appears to be a small and insignificant conflict, that they can either go to the counselor or principle to help them........I STILL found myself telling Child A to stop touching Child B...or, Child C! Child C! Child C! I think I've said your name at least five times....I kept my cool quite well today!
The teacher assigned each class period the exhausting task of watching a movie. But, mind you, not just ANY movie, but the biography of Mozart! Please...if you will for just a moment, try to imagine the mind of a typical seventh grader...his or her interests, hobbies, movies or music that might get their attention. Now...let me see, by a show of hands....how many of you chose a 1996 A&E Biography of a classical composer? Just one of you? Really?? I'm surprised!
I did my best to pique their interest from the beginning by talking about how cool it was to be named Wolfgang. And, not only that, but...just out of curiosity...has anyone in here composed an opera or concerto? No? Gosh...well, Mozart had done both of those by the time he was your age!
Slackers.
Okay, okay....so, I didn't reallllly make them feeling bad for not being child prodigies. But, I did entertain several highly amusing questions from the class, including a request from a squeaky, blonde-headed boy for us to watch a film on Def Leopard instead. I told him that, sadly, I did not posses such a video, but if I did, we would surely be watching that. My second favorite question of the day came from the same class period. Another boy, who I noticed out of the corner of my eye, was way too excited about the film, eagerly approached me gripping a piece of paper with several of Mozart's works already jotted down. His query, an innocently smug, "Ma'am? Are these some of Mozart's works that might be mentioned in this film?" was, in the very least, an indication of homosexual leanings. Hey...I don't have any problem with it! He just may be the next Mozart....or, um, Billy Joel.
I had to be honest with him. I told him that I wasn't that familiar with Mozart (despite that period being the third time I'd watched the movie) so he'd just have to watch and check them off. I hate suck-ups, so I gave him a piece of candy and a pat on the head.
Most of the day went just that smoothly....until the very end. The last class was pretty much out-of-control, and I'm not one to over react, but in my exact words in the note that I left for the teacher: These guys really pushed it. Eventually, I resorted to calling in a hall monitor and he removed four students from the class....strangely, not a new record for me...and after that, everyone pretty much stop thinking that I might be nice and, instead, shut the fuck up.
But, before this happened, I was still addressing each student individually about his or her behavior. And, in my opinion, I think I do it pretty nicely. I give them options: Would you like to work out in the hall? Maybe this will keep you from being distracted and getting yourself in trouble? Okay....I need you to move to the other side of the room then. Etc, etc.
So, while I was still in this stage, one of the boys looked at me and asked, "Were you ever a sub at an elementary school?" I kind of had to stop and think about that one before I responded with, "Um, no....I don't think so. Well, not when you would have been in elementary school." And, he just kept looking at me, not in a malicious way or anything as he continued to ask me questions. "Have you ever been to Jones Middle School? Sixth grade? Weren't you a sub for Ms. Wade last year?" I still wasn't completely sure about what he was getting at, but his questions were starting to jog my memory, although, I had already decided to not "get into it" with him no matter what he brought up.
Apparently, after some memory searching, he remembered that I had written him a discipline referral LAST year for outrageously cussing me out. It had slipped my mind. I very vaguely remember this, but not nearly as well as he did.
Regardless of our realization, he still managed to be one of the four boys that I had removed from the class by the end of the period. Tis silly how that happens.
This made me shutter. I don't think it will ever stop weirding me out. No matter how transient my lifestyle is...no matter how unfocused on the present I am...or how shitty my day goes, I'm still having an impact on these kids. Not that the impact is all that significant or positive, but it's still there. For this particular student, I had put, yet another, mark in his discipline record.
This is simply overwhelming to me.
My brain still lives in a state of invisibility...I've always felt like I've floated through this world, not necessarily invisible, but probably more translucent. Laws of physics, due to my physical presence, dictate that people move or react to me. Other than that, I don't ever expect any emotion or memory to be tied to the action.
I thought more about this as I was driving home from school in rush hour traffic. One more perk of my job is that my drive in traffic is always a little bit different, so I'm not nearly as bitter as the other commuters. Today, it was rainy outside so I was forced to drive with my window down in attempt to keep my windows from fogging (old car, no fancy air-conditioning.)
There was nothing all that special about this drive, but as I took the exit from Mopac onto 360, an unexpected whiff of smoked BBQ came through my window on a warm, humid breeze. I was nowhere near a restaurant that I could see and the breeze seemed particularly warm for a chilly day in February....but, nevertheless, coupled with the pleasant tunes on the radio, it made me feel very warm inside. That smell brought back a whole host of memories about why I loved Texas. It reminded me of swimming in the summertime...lingering BBQ smells...hanging out and drinking beer.
So, yeah...that's it...the two things that awoke my senses today. Hey...with an upward trend like this, who knows what tomorrow will bring!
Well, I have a slight idea...but, that another story altogether.
