Austin's Lesbo BBQ

Again, another attention getting title...it's nobody's fault...and I'm probably not done...well, for now anyway...I hate making such bold, definite statements and then turning around and doing something contradictory....so, I'm not saying I won't EVER come back here, just not for a while.

The next post you will probably see up here will be a link for my new blog that I'm, um, "building" for my temporary move to the east coast...I'll be leaving in less than a week and maybe something interesting will happen and I'll post post-haste...or not. Maybe my plane will be hijacked and blown up into a fiery ball of twisted metal and honey-roasted peanuts...that made me shutter...I hate flying.

Maybe I won't ever post because I still can't think of a name for this new blog. I really don't feel that it is appropriate for me to keep posting on Austin's Lesbo BBQ for several reasons:

1. The most obvious...I won't be in Austin! Wow. What a concept.

2. BBQ - fits Texas, but not so much Massachusetts. When I think of Massachusetts, I'm more inclined to think of shellfish, Puritans, and Kennedys....not brisket and pork sausage.

3. Lesbo - such a great word. I feel like I need to keep it in my title although I've recently been wishing that the term did not apply to me. Also, I have to go back to closeting myself this summer as I'll be staying with family for three months. This is the most amount of time I've spent with ANY of my family since I was probably 19 years old...and, no, I haven't gotten up the proverbial "balls" to casually mention to my entire conservative, Roman Catholic family that I happen to be gay. SO...with that said, back to the proverbial "closet" with me for a few months. It shouldn't be too hard...

That's it. I've got the title for the new blog: Cape Cod's Puritan Lesbo Shellfish Experience.

Is that too much?

I'm also hoping to steer the tone of my blog in a different direction...I'm going to try,again, to bite my fucking tounge on some more personal issues...so that maybe, JUST MAYBE...I can refrain from showing people I care about that I'm just as much an asshole as the next person.

I want to be nice...puppies....kittens....flowers...sign my yearbook...here's a hug....NICE. Right...who am I kidding? After several drinks one night, it'll all be down the drain.

SO, if you're ever interested in hurting my feelings in return for any emotional distress I've EVER caused you in real life or in the cyber-life, feel free to shoot me an email and I'll link to YOUR blog on my new blog's space.

Watch out now! I can bitch-swipe with words like the paw of a de-clawed cat fruitlessly wallops a housefly ....meow.

That's about it.

Oh yeah...I had some thoughts about TomKat that I wanted to share, but I think I got that out earlier today on Tiny Robot's blog...

And...I'd like to end it right: God? Life is a mystery....everyone must stand alone. I hear you call my name...and it feels like....home.

Can't think of anything original to say. So here...I'll default, yet once again, to other people's wittiness: A Sharpie For the None To Sharp

*Disclaimer* Be prepared for long and potentially sappy blogging *

*Oh...and this is best read with the White Stripes "We're Going to Be Friends" playing in the background*

There's rarely a moment, even on my birthday, that I ever feel old...or older...or that I'm getting old...or that due to the fact that I'm aging (like the rest of the world) that I've missed something that I should've been paying attention to.

AND...I don't want to hear anything about, "Well, duh...it's because you're NOT old..." because, many a' year ago, I made this firm decision with myself that I will never, ever have this feeling.

I remember turning twelve years old....I remember being completly confused on how I should feel at this age (and, really, who didn't?)...I had so many people coming up to me and saying, "Wow. TWELVE. That's almost thirteen...a TEENAGER...so, how does it feel to a l m o s t be a TEENAGER?"

Of course, these were rhetoric questions. I actually did, at the moment of questioning, think about my feelings of pre-embarkment of pre-pre-adulthood...but, before my mouth could even quiver to produce an answer such as, "Well, I guess now I'm much more likely to die at the hands of Freddy Kruger." (When I was wee, I always felt I was safe from this dream-monster as long as I wasn't a copulating teenager)..., these people were already into expressing their next fundemental sayings (whose sole purpose was to ensure pre-teen akwardness): "Next thing you know, you'll be driving!...Well, not MY car, if I have anything to say about it...HA!

Yuk. Yuk.

Fourteen years later...it still doesn't work.

Everything from, "...now you're closer to thirty than you are to twenty." By the way, the stupidest saying EVER...Of course I'm closer to thirty than I am to twenty! I have been since the day I turned twenty and one minute! I'm also closer to seventy-two than I am to twenty...for fucks sake. I'm not a finite number that can be averaged and put into a median! As far as I know, I'm getting BIGGER in numbers every second whether I like it or not. But, whatever.

To, "Wow. 26. That's old." That came from my 19 year old coworker. I was 19 seven years ago...I don't remember 26 being "old." But, whatever.

To me, it's just that...whatever. Straight-up pointless. Uncontrolable. Inevitable.

Generally speaking, there's not much about my birthday that usually provokes thought about aging...or getting older...or life...or the meaning behind it. It's another day. It just happens.

But...here's what I'm getting at: This birthday was different.

For the first time in my entire life, I realized that time is more than a number measured in minutes, hours, years, songs and bad fashion...This year, I think it came to my conscious attention that it just may be what holds up to time, rather than the time itself, that is really what everybody's been concerned about from the very beginning.

Those middle-school mom's were just purly amazing that I survived as a human being for tweleve years...those 21st birthday keg-stands were just a celebration of all our abilities to beat time and it's inevitalbe bias against all the self-destructive tendencies...time will fight it all...tis' a tough contender...

But...when it comes down to time versus friendship...it's a close battle. There's no physical or kindred bind in friendship...nothing in writing or law that says that friends have to do anything or be anywhere at any time...no real obligations. It's not inevitable...or uncontrolable. Everything that's done in the realm of friendship is done by choice...with effort. Time easily can, and often does, win the battle.

And when it comes down to MY friends...there's been many a battle. Some have been small skirmishes...other's could be compared to the fights that led to the deaths of those four Canadians in the Korean War...but, either way, it seems to me, that friendship has always come up the victors in the end.

If I had ANY doubts, they were certainly shaken this weekend....

When I opened that card, it's what did it...I don't want to discount the AWESOME present in the box that followed...but, really...the card did it. I was floored by so many aspects of this endevor:

1. That you bitches were able to do this behind my back without me finding out.

2. That you put a concerted effort into it...and it came through.

3. That you even cared enough to begin with to even THINK about putting this together...AND

4. That you bitches were able to do this behind my back without me finding out.

You people made me cry...and these were GOOD tears...the tears of pure happiness...the kind that normally only come out of me when I watch "The Price's Is Right" and I see those people ecstatically jog down the Bob Barker runway with the optomistic chance of "
a better life through stuff" look in their eye.

Pure happiness.

I have, without the slightest doubt, the best friends EVER. Held up to time...there's no comparison...they've beaten it...and again, without the slightest doubt, will continue to kick it's ass for the rest of my life.

And I know...I've said it already...but really...Thank You....I had the best birthday EVER.

When all I want to do is laugh all day, here's where you'll find me: Overheard in New York

One of theses days I'll get off my lazy ass and redesign this site to have permanent links to my favorite blogs...but, until then, this will have to do.

My new favorite phrase has come from this blog: "Get away before I eat you!" I can't wait to work this one into my vernacular....

I was also inspired by reading this and took it upon myself to remember an "Overheard Outside of Austin's U.S. District Court 5" conversation from last week:

Woman: I love their barbecue...the ribs are good, but the beans are the best!
Man: Oh yeah. When it comes to beans, you just gotta eat as many as you can...they're like pickles, you know?

Hello everyone. I'm back....again. You may have been wondering what happened to me in the past week...or not, maybe you have more important things to do with your life than wonder where "that blogger" went...

Anyway....I was out being a good lil' citizen serving my civic duty as a juror. I STILL can't figure out how the hell, by the age of 26, I have served on two juries...while most people that I've talked to have been called maybe once...I don't know...stupid computers.

So, I was selected to be on the jury. The trial started on Monday and ended on Friday night after 4 1/2 hours of deliberation.

Let's just start out this way....all official and stuff...I was on the jury that decided the fate of the United States vs. Christopher Phillips....the infamous "UT Hacker." He was charged with breaking into UT's massive database and stealing 45,000 social security numbers....and, also, while he was at it, crashed UT's system three times. The U.S. government charged that he stole these numbers because he intended to defraud all of these people.

Before I even get too into the whole thing...I put "UT Hacker" in quotes for a reason. This is the name the media gave him without knowing the details of the story. Hacker? Well....not really. If you consider "hacking" finding your way into something that the largest university in the country left open with the idea that "obscurity is security" (and THIS is an actual testimonial quote)...than sure, he's a hacker. I, on the other hand, consider a "hacker" somebody that puts serious effort into breaking into a system that others have put serious effort into securing. UT, admittingly, did little to to secure anything.

So....I spent four days on this trial. And, for four days, I had to keep my mouth shut about my opinions...that is, until deliberation. He was indicted on four counts of violating federal criminal law...I wish the interweb gave me more detail about the actual federal laws...because the crazy government wouldn't let me take my notes out of the courthouse...so, we'll just have to go on my recollection...and, of course, my VIEWS on the whole situation...

First off, one of the parts of the U.S. prosecutor's first charge is that he executed a program that caused damage to a computer system that he did not have authorized access to...and by accessing this system, he "recklessly disregarded" any perceived risk that this program may cause to the system.

In my opinion, I don't think that he had any idea of any "risks" therefore he couldn't have "recklessly disregarded" these risks. Although, I do agree that he did run a program on a site that he did not have authorized access to.

Basically, the way I see it, this charge says that he knew what he was doing to a site that he wasn't supposed to be on...and, therefore he knew that his program may (or may not) cause the system to crash. Honestly...I don't think he knew that his program could do this. Sure...I agree that his program caused the UT server to crash...but did he know that his program might do this? I don't think so. And...the evidence that the prosecution brought to trial to try to prove this didn't prove it to me...but, apparently, it convinced at least 9 of the other jurors. I fought it...and I feel like I fought it hard...at least one of those 4 1/2 hours can be contributed to this... But, in the end, he lost. Everyone else felt like he had an idea of what his program was capable of...and he was found guilty of this charge. Damnit...I backed down...but, I still don't believe it.

The second charge basically said that his intentions for stealing these 45,000 social security numbers was to defraud people...and how!

Nice try, U.S. prosecution. Let's take a look at some of the evidence here: he already had 8,000 social security numbers and names (by the way...he had done this before, but UT failed to notice it a year before), a genealogical database (public information), a handful of credit card numbers...and PLENTY of opportunities to conceal his identity and defraud lots'o people scot-free.........BUT....chose not to use them? But wait. You're telling me he INTENDED to defraud the WHOLE time?.....and to add to this, when he was finally raided by the Secret Service, they searched his apartment, seized his computer...and then left him at his home with the pleasant advice of "maybe you should get a lawyer...and, by the way, don't go anywhere." They didn't even arrest him until 8 months later. This tells me that they were REALLY concerned with him being a large scale identity thief.

Yeah. Go government. I'm not buying it. But, apparently, you did a decent enough job...the jury was split half/half...But, I don't think this had anything to do with the witnesses and evidence presented. Personally, I think this had more to do with the demographics of the jury. I think that about half the jury is just plain scared shitless of the idea of a 19-year old possessing their personal information and "hacking" into their computers...Who really knows what his intentions were for obtaining this information...I believe what he said...he liked to write programs. He was going to write programs to merge data. That's it.

Is he a gigantor identity thief that merely just "got caught?" If we're looking at the facts...I don't know...if we're looking at the facts, NOBODY knows....but, if we're going on testimony and evidence, there was ABSOLUTLY nothing there that even slightly proved that he was going to do anything else besides write programs and continue on with his computer science nerdliness...

The fourth charge (the 2nd and 3rd were combined) was that he illegally posessed more than 15 government identifiers. This was pretty cut and dry...he did.

Here's my personal conclusion on the whole trial: He was a UT computer science student that found an easy outlet for practicing his basic, tiny-ass programs on...it was a GIANT embarrassments to UT that they even had a web page that allowed him to exploit the University's master database. He shouldn't have run his program on this site. He shouldn't have stolen 45,000 social security numbers because it was easy. He probably should've realized that social security numbers were SPECIAL. He should've been kicked out of UT, post-haste...So, he wanted a large amount of data for a personal programming project...but, federal identity theft criminal? Hardly.

I DO realize that UT spent a lot of money informing everyone who was affected by the "security breach" of the dangers of their personal information being out there....but, that's a matter for the civil courts...not the federal criminal courts. You'd better believe he owes some big bucks...

What I think it comes down to is....he did it because he could. I can't even count the number of things that I did because I could when I was 19...and this trial made me realize that I was lucky. I was lucky that the federal government didn't find me and attempt to make an example out of me for the rest of the 19 year olds who might have devious thoughts...

I'm sure I'm not the only one who remembers the "crime lab" that was constructed at the dorm my sophomore year of college...fake id's...growing organic psychedelics with more than a conscious intent to sell them for profit...federal criminal? Yikes. I also intended to disturb people in the cafeteria with the sleazy noise that the jello cubes made when you shook them in their soufflés cups...

I've finally decided it was about time for me to take the "walk of shame" back here.

I've read the comments to my last post, because they're emailed to me...but, other than that, I didn't want to see it. I was stupid drunk on Thursday night and that usually leads to melodramatic posts...

Mostly I'm just suprised by the clarity of these rants...about the only thing I can't figure out, after re-reading what I put up on Thursday, is my tendency to gain a split personality and get into scrappy bouts with myself. I need to name this surly other half....

On a lighter note...I'm haven't really been in a "complete" mood in the past couple of days. I've been doing everything in spurts...most notably, thinking. So, in order to commemorate the past couple of days, I'm going to give to you:

Completely Unrelated Spurts of Stuff:

1. New favorite quote by co-worker who previously brought us the "Music Nazi" quote:


Me: "That's good Jada. I think you should say just that at the interview....no need for a resume."

I wish I could claim to be the originator of these quotes.......wait.......no I don't.


2. On Sunday, I decided that I am going to write a story when I'm away this summer...somehow, I'm going to loosely base it/tie it in with the six lines of lyrics in Badly Drawn Boy's "Fall in a River" and the city of Fall River, MA. This story will end up being one page long. Nothing happens in Fall River, Massachusetts...and besides, the song REALLY has nothing to do with this place...as far as I know, the only thing that's ever come out of Fall River was Lizzy Bordon...ever the more fun.

3. I bathed my cats today. There's a reason people don't bathe cats...they do it themselves and that's the way theys likes it! Direct evidence of this has been painfully etched into both my arms.

Now, for the next few days, I'm going to be self-conscious that everytime I walk away from a group of people who don't know me that well, they'll be discreetly whispering, "Watch out for that one...she's a cutter!"

4. I HATE June bugs...they go straight for the ears. Always.

5. I do a lot of driving around this town...well, mostly in one general area. Because of this, I repeatedly see things over and over again that get me thinking...most of these things are signs that can, if thought about from a different angles, have ambiguous meanings. SO...I've finally taken some pictures of these signs, and I'm ready to comment on them...here we go: