Austin's Lesbo BBQ

Things have been so weird lately. It seems like the holidays were at least three months ago and when I look at a calendar, I'm surprised to see that today is the first of February. I've pretty much decided the confusion is completely due to the lack of stability in my life and more rapid transitions.

I should be pretty accustomed to this by now.....right? Yeah, that's what I thought. I've had more episodes of anxiety and racing thoughts than a big-suited, jig-dancing David Bryne could shake a stick at. Most likely, a combination of too much coffee and the feeling that I'm retrospectively piecing together each day is to blame.

I also had a couple things happen to me today that were small, but they managed to open up my senses a bit.

First off, I was a substitute 7th grade Language Arts! (I just like it better with an exclamation point) teacher today. In general, I've worn out my desire to do this job, yet...without a doubt...everyday that I go in, something happens that certainly wouldn't have if I'd, um, stayed home. Yes. It's that deep.

So, overall, my day at this middle school was not bad at all. I dealt with the typical 12-year-old crap of, "Miiiiiiizzzzzzzz.....she took my pen again! Tell her to give it back. Ooooh girl! You don't even wanna see me wipe the ground with yo' face!" And despite how many times I expressed that I really did not care about the background to the story, but that if they couldn't settle, what appears to be a small and insignificant conflict, that they can either go to the counselor or principle to help them........I STILL found myself telling Child A to stop touching Child B...or, Child C! Child C! Child C! I think I've said your name at least five times....I kept my cool quite well today!

The teacher assigned each class period the exhausting task of watching a movie. But, mind you, not just ANY movie, but the biography of Mozart! Please...if you will for just a moment, try to imagine the mind of a typical seventh grader...his or her interests, hobbies, movies or music that might get their attention. Now...let me see, by a show of hands....how many of you chose a 1996 A&E Biography of a classical composer? Just one of you? Really?? I'm surprised!

I did my best to pique their interest from the beginning by talking about how cool it was to be named Wolfgang. And, not only that, but...just out of curiosity...has anyone in here composed an opera or concerto? No? Gosh...well, Mozart had done both of those by the time he was your age!

Slackers.

Okay, okay....so, I didn't reallllly make them feeling bad for not being child prodigies. But, I did entertain several highly amusing questions from the class, including a request from a squeaky, blonde-headed boy for us to watch a film on Def Leopard instead. I told him that, sadly, I did not posses such a video, but if I did, we would surely be watching that. My second favorite question of the day came from the same class period. Another boy, who I noticed out of the corner of my eye, was way too excited about the film, eagerly approached me gripping a piece of paper with several of Mozart's works already jotted down. His query, an innocently smug, "Ma'am? Are these some of Mozart's works that might be mentioned in this film?" was, in the very least, an indication of homosexual leanings. Hey...I don't have any problem with it! He just may be the next Mozart....or, um, Billy Joel.

I had to be honest with him. I told him that I wasn't that familiar with Mozart (despite that period being the third time I'd watched the movie) so he'd just have to watch and check them off. I hate suck-ups, so I gave him a piece of candy and a pat on the head.

Most of the day went just that smoothly....until the very end. The last class was pretty much out-of-control, and I'm not one to over react, but in my exact words in the note that I left for the teacher: These guys really pushed it. Eventually, I resorted to calling in a hall monitor and he removed four students from the class....strangely, not a new record for me...and after that, everyone pretty much stop thinking that I might be nice and, instead, shut the fuck up.

But, before this happened, I was still addressing each student individually about his or her behavior. And, in my opinion, I think I do it pretty nicely. I give them options: Would you like to work out in the hall? Maybe this will keep you from being distracted and getting yourself in trouble? Okay....I need you to move to the other side of the room then. Etc, etc.

So, while I was still in this stage, one of the boys looked at me and asked, "Were you ever a sub at an elementary school?" I kind of had to stop and think about that one before I responded with, "Um, no....I don't think so. Well, not when you would have been in elementary school." And, he just kept looking at me, not in a malicious way or anything as he continued to ask me questions. "Have you ever been to Jones Middle School? Sixth grade? Weren't you a sub for Ms. Wade last year?" I still wasn't completely sure about what he was getting at, but his questions were starting to jog my memory, although, I had already decided to not "get into it" with him no matter what he brought up.

Apparently, after some memory searching, he remembered that I had written him a discipline referral LAST year for outrageously cussing me out. It had slipped my mind. I very vaguely remember this, but not nearly as well as he did.

Regardless of our realization, he still managed to be one of the four boys that I had removed from the class by the end of the period. Tis silly how that happens.

This made me shutter. I don't think it will ever stop weirding me out. No matter how transient my lifestyle is...no matter how unfocused on the present I am...or how shitty my day goes, I'm still having an impact on these kids. Not that the impact is all that significant or positive, but it's still there. For this particular student, I had put, yet another, mark in his discipline record.

This is simply overwhelming to me.

My brain still lives in a state of invisibility...I've always felt like I've floated through this world, not necessarily invisible, but probably more translucent. Laws of physics, due to my physical presence, dictate that people move or react to me. Other than that, I don't ever expect any emotion or memory to be tied to the action.

I thought more about this as I was driving home from school in rush hour traffic. One more perk of my job is that my drive in traffic is always a little bit different, so I'm not nearly as bitter as the other commuters. Today, it was rainy outside so I was forced to drive with my window down in attempt to keep my windows from fogging (old car, no fancy air-conditioning.)

There was nothing all that special about this drive, but as I took the exit from Mopac onto 360, an unexpected whiff of smoked BBQ came through my window on a warm, humid breeze. I was nowhere near a restaurant that I could see and the breeze seemed particularly warm for a chilly day in February....but, nevertheless, coupled with the pleasant tunes on the radio, it made me feel very warm inside. That smell brought back a whole host of memories about why I loved Texas. It reminded me of swimming in the summertime...lingering BBQ smells...hanging out and drinking beer.

So, yeah...that's it...the two things that awoke my senses today. Hey...with an upward trend like this, who knows what tomorrow will bring!

Well, I have a slight idea...but, that another story altogether.