10.09.2006
For a minute there....I lost myself.
Don't get the idea that I'm here solely because I've been bullied into doing so....because, that's only part of the case...
The other half being that the nagging voice inside my head has finally persuaded me to sit down and post something...It's not like I haven't wanted to post...really, I have...but, it's just been one of those months (...and a half) where my brain feels like....uhhh...a detuned radio....yes, those Radiohead lyrics come in handy every once in a while. I haven't figured out if this is a problem or not...as it's gone in and out my entire life...and it may be slightly evident through my incomplete sentences and jumpy thought patterns.
Anywho. I figure life's been going on....I've been working as a teaching assistant at one of the high schools...in this weirdo non-staff-member position. It's like, I'm a sub, but I'm still playing the role of an employee who's learning the ropes to be a real staff member...which, I'm not ever going to be...because once the other TA comes back, I'm gonna move on to some other sub jobs...again. At the same time, I can't really half-ass it...mostly because I don't want to...and, also, I can still be kicked out of this job if I suck at it.
On the same note, it's really really really really really nice to wake up and know where I'm going for the day, what I'm going to be doing (partially), and at least a handful of my co-workers and students names....all of which is new to me...in my school district "career", anyway.
On different, yet similar, note...early in a mind-numbing, anger-inducing Saturday night shift at the pizza place...I walked out. I think I did it pretty calmly...I just handed over the money I owed the store, proclaimed, "I'm sorry...but, I just can't do this anymore...this place makes me so angry the moment I walked into it...I don't even know why...but, I'm leaving."
So...that's that. Somewhere in the back of my head I'm hoping that I'll never have to go back to a job like that...but, somewhere in that same location in my head, I know it's an empty hope.
...as for the future....well, it feels just about as detuned as my head. No new Peace Corps news...which is just annoying. I sent them a bunch more medical shit last month and haven't heard anything at all. For all I know, it could have gotten lost in the mail or something...and it takes time and effort to collect all that information...so, I kinda like to know sooner than later. All I know is the same shit that I've known for a while: I need my wisdom teeth out, I need to pay off my seemingly endless debt, I need to maintain my sanity...as I paid lots of money to have a professional agree that I can, in fact, "handle stressful situations"...although, on many occasions, I doubt that assessment.
I'm also preparing myself for the inevitable question from my placement officer...concerning my sketchy work history and lack of any real proof of long-term commitment. My recruiting officer warned me that this would probably be an issue for the folks in Washington...and, honestly, it's always been a bit of a bug for me too. So, ya know...I don't know the real answer to that. It permeates many aspects of my life that I simultaneously love and hate...and I'm not really in the mood to sit through many more sessions of psychotherapy to find out the "root" of this, uh, problem.
I plan on crossing that bridge when I come to it...I've managed to weasel my way through many things thus far...so, hopefully this will just be one more!
The other half being that the nagging voice inside my head has finally persuaded me to sit down and post something...It's not like I haven't wanted to post...really, I have...but, it's just been one of those months (...and a half) where my brain feels like....uhhh...a detuned radio....yes, those Radiohead lyrics come in handy every once in a while. I haven't figured out if this is a problem or not...as it's gone in and out my entire life...and it may be slightly evident through my incomplete sentences and jumpy thought patterns.
Anywho. I figure life's been going on....I've been working as a teaching assistant at one of the high schools...in this weirdo non-staff-member position. It's like, I'm a sub, but I'm still playing the role of an employee who's learning the ropes to be a real staff member...which, I'm not ever going to be...because once the other TA comes back, I'm gonna move on to some other sub jobs...again. At the same time, I can't really half-ass it...mostly because I don't want to...and, also, I can still be kicked out of this job if I suck at it.
On the same note, it's really really really really really nice to wake up and know where I'm going for the day, what I'm going to be doing (partially), and at least a handful of my co-workers and students names....all of which is new to me...in my school district "career", anyway.
On different, yet similar, note...early in a mind-numbing, anger-inducing Saturday night shift at the pizza place...I walked out. I think I did it pretty calmly...I just handed over the money I owed the store, proclaimed, "I'm sorry...but, I just can't do this anymore...this place makes me so angry the moment I walked into it...I don't even know why...but, I'm leaving."
So...that's that. Somewhere in the back of my head I'm hoping that I'll never have to go back to a job like that...but, somewhere in that same location in my head, I know it's an empty hope.
...as for the future....well, it feels just about as detuned as my head. No new Peace Corps news...which is just annoying. I sent them a bunch more medical shit last month and haven't heard anything at all. For all I know, it could have gotten lost in the mail or something...and it takes time and effort to collect all that information...so, I kinda like to know sooner than later. All I know is the same shit that I've known for a while: I need my wisdom teeth out, I need to pay off my seemingly endless debt, I need to maintain my sanity...as I paid lots of money to have a professional agree that I can, in fact, "handle stressful situations"...although, on many occasions, I doubt that assessment.
I'm also preparing myself for the inevitable question from my placement officer...concerning my sketchy work history and lack of any real proof of long-term commitment. My recruiting officer warned me that this would probably be an issue for the folks in Washington...and, honestly, it's always been a bit of a bug for me too. So, ya know...I don't know the real answer to that. It permeates many aspects of my life that I simultaneously love and hate...and I'm not really in the mood to sit through many more sessions of psychotherapy to find out the "root" of this, uh, problem.
I plan on crossing that bridge when I come to it...I've managed to weasel my way through many things thus far...so, hopefully this will just be one more!
Comments:
<< Home
The art of bullshitting is a tough one to master. You either have the skillz or you don't. You've made it this far in life, dahling, you can make it a bit further, eh?
Glad you're back. I need stuff to read at el officina.
Glad you're back. I need stuff to read at el officina.
in terms of your commitment and stress issues, i think it goes back to those cost/benefit discussions we seem to always have. it seems completely rational that if a particular situation totally sucks donkey balls and is something you will not gain significantly out of in the long run--such as your pizza shift--to then determine that the stress you're going through is not worth it. plus, in this case you had another job, a job that is interesting, reliable for the time you're available, and relevant to your presumed future goals. furthermore, the shit job got in the way of you doing your best on the interesting one, by making you ass-tired. if you take all that into consideration, this has nothing to with commitment, nor does it have to do with being able to handle stress. clearly you've handled plenty of stressful situations at seemingly all your jobs for several years now. rather this has to do with putting your energies towards something way more worth it.
in terms of your work history, i'm sure most people don't expect to see high levels of commitment towards food industry/minimum wage jobs. you're still "growing up," so to speak, and trying to find your thing out there, and that's to be expected with 20-somethings. that's even to be expected of 30-somethings these days. as a population, i think we're realizing more and more the importance of flexibility, and that change is what it takes for all of us to continually "grow up."
in summary, give yourself some credit.
Post a Comment
in terms of your work history, i'm sure most people don't expect to see high levels of commitment towards food industry/minimum wage jobs. you're still "growing up," so to speak, and trying to find your thing out there, and that's to be expected with 20-somethings. that's even to be expected of 30-somethings these days. as a population, i think we're realizing more and more the importance of flexibility, and that change is what it takes for all of us to continually "grow up."
in summary, give yourself some credit.
<< Home
