3.20.2006
I'm pretty sure it wasn't Philadelphia freedom I was breathing...
Hey..it's sunny and 76 degrees...Spring is here...I think.
It's just wonderful...I totally flaked on my volunteer tutoring this morning and have spent most of the day relaxing before I have to return to work tonight.
But, honestly...I've been battling a looming depression over the past two days. I've felt the need to cry on several occasions, but I just haven't been able to get it out...for whatever reason, it's been stifled. And, after experiencing a complete gamut of emotions that I didn't even know were still in me....I'm pretty confused....
When I was still in New Orleans, I seemed to get used to the way everything looked. No traffic...no working stores...complete destruction and streets lined with house guts. But, you know, there was so much common good there...all the people I was around were working on making a dent in the overwhelming amount of work that needs to be done...
It's truly amazing to witness the changes that groups of people, with a common goal, can accomplish...truly....
So that's that...but, here's the weird part....for the past two days, almost every time I look at something...any "thing"...I can't help but imagine it crumbling and decaying...I can't get over the way the wood, drywall and doors felt when I dug into them with a pry-bar. Countertops and furniture literally broke apart in my hands...I pitch-forked a closet full of clothes, shoes and other "closet stuff" in, what once was, a master bedroom...
The smell was something else all-together...my most vile moment is when I accidentally took too-deep-a-breath when shoveling out a pantry. I tried to get the door open by hand, but it was stuck...it hadn't been opened in 7 months...so, I went for the ax. After breaking down the door, I was confronted with a nearly indescribable, putrid smell...as expected.
I had a long shovel, so I just started smashing and throwing the remnants into a wheelbarrow...and, I guess, I just started getting tired and breathing hard...I hit a point where I retched...
I ran quickly out to the backyard where I threw off my gear (face mask, goggles and hard hat) and bent down, with my head between my knees, to try to calm myself...for a second, my eyes were closed...and, when I opened them, I came to find that, in my hastiness to keep my lunch in my stomach, I had bent down directly over a dead duck...ahh...how refreshing....
Luckily, I managed to not throw up...seriously...I had JUST eaten lunch, and it would've really sucked to work the rest of the day on an empty stomach. But, it made for a funny story when everyone asked, "Are you o.k.?"
But...I can't get over these feelings...not right now, anyway. I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like if this were MY house and town...
I know it'll go away with a little bit of time...but, geez, I didn't realized I was going to be "scarred!"
Overall, I think I had one of the most amazing experiences I'll ever have the opportunity to be a part of...I met some awesome people...locals and volunteers...and, now, I have to get back to my life...yeah.
It also would've helped if we had a work site radio...I had "Bennie and the Jets" and "We Want the Funk" stuck in my head for 5 solid days...one of my team members came up to me to ask me a question (don't forget, I was the leader...) and, because I had been quiet for so long, before I could answer, I felt the need to belt out, "She's got electric boooots...you know, a mole hair suit....I read it in a mmmaaagazzzzziiinne, ooooh ahhh.." Huh huh...too bad I don't actually know what a "mole hair suit" is...I just looked up the lyrics and it says a "mo hair suit"...whatever that is....I was close.
Sometimes I forget that I can be perceived as "weird" if you don't really know me that well...and, um, these guys had met me all of three days earlier...so, before I apologized, I just got a blank look and a nervous laugh...
Good thing I was appointed leader and didn't have to run for election....
It's just wonderful...I totally flaked on my volunteer tutoring this morning and have spent most of the day relaxing before I have to return to work tonight.
But, honestly...I've been battling a looming depression over the past two days. I've felt the need to cry on several occasions, but I just haven't been able to get it out...for whatever reason, it's been stifled. And, after experiencing a complete gamut of emotions that I didn't even know were still in me....I'm pretty confused....
When I was still in New Orleans, I seemed to get used to the way everything looked. No traffic...no working stores...complete destruction and streets lined with house guts. But, you know, there was so much common good there...all the people I was around were working on making a dent in the overwhelming amount of work that needs to be done...
It's truly amazing to witness the changes that groups of people, with a common goal, can accomplish...truly....
So that's that...but, here's the weird part....for the past two days, almost every time I look at something...any "thing"...I can't help but imagine it crumbling and decaying...I can't get over the way the wood, drywall and doors felt when I dug into them with a pry-bar. Countertops and furniture literally broke apart in my hands...I pitch-forked a closet full of clothes, shoes and other "closet stuff" in, what once was, a master bedroom...
The smell was something else all-together...my most vile moment is when I accidentally took too-deep-a-breath when shoveling out a pantry. I tried to get the door open by hand, but it was stuck...it hadn't been opened in 7 months...so, I went for the ax. After breaking down the door, I was confronted with a nearly indescribable, putrid smell...as expected.
I had a long shovel, so I just started smashing and throwing the remnants into a wheelbarrow...and, I guess, I just started getting tired and breathing hard...I hit a point where I retched...
I ran quickly out to the backyard where I threw off my gear (face mask, goggles and hard hat) and bent down, with my head between my knees, to try to calm myself...for a second, my eyes were closed...and, when I opened them, I came to find that, in my hastiness to keep my lunch in my stomach, I had bent down directly over a dead duck...ahh...how refreshing....
Luckily, I managed to not throw up...seriously...I had JUST eaten lunch, and it would've really sucked to work the rest of the day on an empty stomach. But, it made for a funny story when everyone asked, "Are you o.k.?"
But...I can't get over these feelings...not right now, anyway. I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like if this were MY house and town...
I know it'll go away with a little bit of time...but, geez, I didn't realized I was going to be "scarred!"
Overall, I think I had one of the most amazing experiences I'll ever have the opportunity to be a part of...I met some awesome people...locals and volunteers...and, now, I have to get back to my life...yeah.
It also would've helped if we had a work site radio...I had "Bennie and the Jets" and "We Want the Funk" stuck in my head for 5 solid days...one of my team members came up to me to ask me a question (don't forget, I was the leader...) and, because I had been quiet for so long, before I could answer, I felt the need to belt out, "She's got electric boooots...you know, a mole hair suit....I read it in a mmmaaagazzzzziiinne, ooooh ahhh.." Huh huh...too bad I don't actually know what a "mole hair suit" is...I just looked up the lyrics and it says a "mo hair suit"...whatever that is....I was close.
Sometimes I forget that I can be perceived as "weird" if you don't really know me that well...and, um, these guys had met me all of three days earlier...so, before I apologized, I just got a blank look and a nervous laugh...
Good thing I was appointed leader and didn't have to run for election....
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Hey, sometimes ya just gotta sing. That's awesome.
Mohair is actually a kind of fuzzy material made from goats --- when i was a kid, my grandma knitted me a sweater out of it.
As for this crying business, just let it out, okay? Your body and mind have been through a lot recently and those endorphins that come after a good cry will make you feel better. You may also want to go for a brisk walk, that will get the happy chemicals flowin'.
Mohair is actually a kind of fuzzy material made from goats --- when i was a kid, my grandma knitted me a sweater out of it.
As for this crying business, just let it out, okay? Your body and mind have been through a lot recently and those endorphins that come after a good cry will make you feel better. You may also want to go for a brisk walk, that will get the happy chemicals flowin'.
I was going to post a definition of mohair, but I see that's already been taken care of. But I will add that apparently, mohair comes from the Angora goat. Inquiring minds want to know.
Natalie
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Natalie
# posted by 
: 10:10 AM
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