Austin's Lesbo BBQ

This morning, I went into a medical office to see if I could pass a screening test to be a guinea pig in exchange for having my wisdom teeth removed...

I hear it's not bad...but, I guess I'll see. The entire process took 4 freakin' hours and they ask a huge detailed gamut of questions...most of which I would answer one way and it would end up contradicting my answer to a previous question.

Nurse Lady: "Do you have any intestinal problems?"

Me: "No"

Nurse Lady: "Do you experience menstrual cramps?"

Me: "Not severely."

Nurse Lady: "Do you get headaches?"

Me: "No. Not from any unknown causes, anyway."

Nurse Lady: "Do you take any medication regularly?"

Me: "No"

Nurse Lady: "Have you taken any Tylenol, ibuprofen or aspirin in the past month?"

Me: "Ummmmmm..yes."

Lady: "Could you tell me how much and for what reason?"

Me: "Well, I took two Advil one day during my last menstrual cycle...and two last Saturday for a small headache that I had."

Lady: "So...what you're saying is that you DO get headaches and have menstrual cramps."

Me: "Well, yeah. I mean, they're pretty damn normal...and incredibly infrequent...so, I don't consider it a problem."

Lady: "But, regardless, you said you didn't have either."

Me: "I guess I just don't consider them as anything to think about...but, sure, I get the regular pains that most humans experience."

Lady: "Ok. Well, I need you to answer the questions as accurately as possible."

Me: "Right. I figure I can do that."

Details, people, details! There's a couple of things I forgot to mention about my medical history...maybe I should give her a call and report the following:

This one time when I was 12, I was at Astroworld and I drank 3 blue Icees, hastily scarfted down a funnel cake and some cotton candy in about 20 minutes...the line for the Viper was moving quick, and I was really excited about having my picture taken while we were flying through the loopty part...my friend and I thought we were SOOOOO funny, because we had planned to look like we were sleeping when the snapshot was taken...ANYWAY, after what was, up until that point, the RIDE OF MY LIFE!!!...I didn't feel so good...next thing I know, I'm bent over a trash can, blue chunks spewing out at speeds that rivaled the rollercoaster....man, that sucked.

But, I just wanted to make sure you knew that. I've always been worried that this could be a chronic condition...incurable, despite all advancements in medical science since 1991...what do you think?

Oh...oh! There's one more thing! Strong perfume makes me nauseous...especially when I'm in moving vehicles and/or poorly ventilated areas.

Hmmm...let's see...my entire body tends to hurt after I play soccer for 45 minutes straight..do you think that's anything to be concerned about?

Yeah. I know...I know...I don't need anyone to tell me that they're just doing their job. I wasn't really bothered by the questioning...it makes sense and all...

Also...What year are we in? It's 2006, right? Not 1972 or 41...or anything?

Ok. Sometimes I'm not sure.

One of the questions that I often find myself answering in most medical situations pertains to my sexual activity...you know, I won't go into details, but in this day and age...why OH WHY are we still presented with the yes/no...black/white...sexual activity questions?

My favorite line of questioning:

Are you sexually active? Sure...sometimes

If so, what form of birth control do you use? None (or sometimes I answer "abstinence")

Then I go in and meet with the nurse and this is how it ALWAYS goes:

Nurse: Ok. I see you answered here that you're sexually active, yet you don't use birth control. But, then in the "Do you think you may be pregnant?" question, you answered "Definitely no."

So, are you SURE you're not pregnant? Because, it's always a possibility...especially if you're using the rhythm method form of birth control.

Me: Yeah. I'm pretty sure...I just do my best to not sleep with men. Eliminates that pesky "pregnancy" thing. (but, when I slip up, I use the rhythm method...heard it's incredibly effective!...I kid...um, about BOTH parts of that statement.)

Nurse: "Oh. Right...Ok then."

I mean, is it that offensives to the sensitive conservatives to put a few more "untraditional" questions on survey? I'd save us all some time and confusion...and any possible uncomfortable situations.

Damn..ok, enough smart-assedness for today...well, 4 hours in a doctors office...being poked and prodded can do that to a person...