Austin's Lesbo BBQ

Look out! I'm livin' life on the edge.

That's right. I'm bad...soooo bad.

Sure, my brushes with the law may be limited, but like James Frey, it'll take Oprah to tell me that they're not significant enough to make awesome stories...

Tonight, after my fourteenth hour of work, I got in my truck...dreaming of beer and sitting...so my downtown exodus began. But first...to the bank! I made it to the bank and deposited my evening's wages...

Not very exciting. So, I'm going home...normal route, up the Cow street...turn on to 15th...but wait...what's that behind me? Flashing lights? I'm being pulled over?

So...of course, I immediately pulled to the right while simultaneously going over in my head all the possible reasons I was being stopped...lights *check*...speeding *um, no*...tail light out *pretty sure not*...ok...he's coming to my window, so I'll find out.

Officer: "Good evening, ma'am. Do you know why I pulled you over?"

Me: "Ummm...no, actually. Was I speeding or something?"

Officer: "No...you failed to signal a lane change back there. Did you know that?"

Me: "Uh...yeah. I think. Which time?" (I had gone from the far left lane into the far right lane on a 4 lane road)

Officer: "Well, you signaled when you switched into the middle lane, but then didn't signal when you moved into the far right lane. And then, you did signal when you turned onto 15th street."

OH MY FUCKING GOD! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!

Me: "Right. Of course. You know, I actually mentally noted that. Because I'm usually pretty anal about using my blinker...you know?"

Officer: "Yes ma'am. Well, I'm just going to issue you a warning tonight, ok?"

Ok. During the time that he was writing me my completely meaningless slap-on-the-wrist WARNING! I was trying to figure out the REAL reason he was pulling me over...

Was it because I'm black? Because I'm not. Maybe I was swerving or something...I am pretty tired....ahhhhh...after thinking about where I had "offended"..I got it. I had made my mistake right in front of one of APD's targeted DWI bars. I had read about this in the paper not but a fortnight ago...

So, I was also a bit agitated about the whole thing...I knew it was a big pile of bullshit...so, I was trying to come up with a non-antagonizing line of questions for Mr. Officer.

When he came back to my window to have me sign my warning...I began MY investigation.

Me: "So...I'm not trying to pick a fight with you or anything, but I drive around A LOT, mostly for work with delivering and stuff, and most of the time I feel like I'm the only one in the entire city that even bothers to signal lane changes. Basically, what I'm wondering, is this a routine stop or was this an intended sobriety check?"

Officer: "Well, ma'am...we're APD's DWI Task Force Unit and we're out here to make sure that you get home safely. And, when you signaled the first lane change, you signaled left and then moved right. And then you moved right again, but this time, with no signal.

Me: "Really? I don't remember doing that. I think if I used my left signal and then moved right, my signal would still be on...or else I probably would remember having to turn it off...I'm just not sure, but whatever, I'm tired...so maybe...anyway, I was just wondering...

Yeah. That's where it ended. I walked away with a demerit, uh, I mean a warning...and he walked away with the satisfaction of making a completely frivolous traffic stop...oh, and did I mention that I also made a quick wipe to my brow because I wasn't intoxicated?

So...that's my top story of the day. Well, I also subed for a high school Math position today and the high point of that job was the 2 hour school lock-down while the PD checked out the morning's bomb threat....Woooo! A whole two hours with a bunch of antsy 15 yr olds! And I forgot to mention that I haven't even as much as looked at Geometry since I was IN 10th grade...but, thank God I'm a good temporary bullshitter.

Oh, dear...I need some sleep.