11.04.2005
Desperate...but, not serious...
Well, I'm not really sure I'm going to be feeling all into expressing my thoughts...not now...and not so much in the future. I don't want to go all out and make, yet once again, such bold statements...but, in reality, I've just been looking at everything and giving it an indifferent shrug.
The most intense feeling I've had in the past week has been dealing with my strong desire for cupcakes...and then, next thing I know, I find myself...cupcake in hand...not really knowing how God's mysterious plan intended to unfold...but...cupcake...
Or...maybe I'm lying...maybe I've been spending all my time, partially employed, thinking overtime...maybe I'm thinking that I'm unsatisfied...that no matter how much I keep trying to reassure myself that "things are just dandy" or "don't worry about the problems now...you're working towards a better future" that, in reality, my life is on a circular treadmill with a Spanish rendition of "Who Let the Dogs Out?" repeating on the IPod...
Maybe...just maybe...the former is also a lie...maybe I'm on top of things...maybe I've worked sooo incredibly hard, for all these years, to infiltrate the lowest of the low from the root...maybe I'm just waiting for the opportune moment to jump out of the bushes and declare that everything to this point has been nothing but a clever farce...and that my in-depth research on futility, loneliness and self-deprecation will be neatly summarized in a sociological abstract for my 2007 PhD thesis...
Hmmmm...maybe I'm not even thinking for myself..perhaps, I'm a puppet whose strings are being pulled by the triad of pop culture, Dr. Phil and the global political economy...Gwen Stephani governs the arms...pushing my hands towards McDonalds...snatching up Happy Meals that contain a shrink-wrapped CD/DVD single of "Hollaback Girl"...while my ass is sewed to the seat of a 2006 H3, I reach under the gargantuan bucket seat to search for a quarter or three...I stumble upon a copy of "Family First" and, next thing I know, my head is yanked upward and I start seriously thinking about how I can get real...
Maybe...reality is a mentally arranged construction of noises and movements...and, when they're deconstructed......?
The most intense feeling I've had in the past week has been dealing with my strong desire for cupcakes...and then, next thing I know, I find myself...cupcake in hand...not really knowing how God's mysterious plan intended to unfold...but...cupcake...
Or...maybe I'm lying...maybe I've been spending all my time, partially employed, thinking overtime...maybe I'm thinking that I'm unsatisfied...that no matter how much I keep trying to reassure myself that "things are just dandy" or "don't worry about the problems now...you're working towards a better future" that, in reality, my life is on a circular treadmill with a Spanish rendition of "Who Let the Dogs Out?" repeating on the IPod...
Maybe...just maybe...the former is also a lie...maybe I'm on top of things...maybe I've worked sooo incredibly hard, for all these years, to infiltrate the lowest of the low from the root...maybe I'm just waiting for the opportune moment to jump out of the bushes and declare that everything to this point has been nothing but a clever farce...and that my in-depth research on futility, loneliness and self-deprecation will be neatly summarized in a sociological abstract for my 2007 PhD thesis...
Hmmmm...maybe I'm not even thinking for myself..perhaps, I'm a puppet whose strings are being pulled by the triad of pop culture, Dr. Phil and the global political economy...Gwen Stephani governs the arms...pushing my hands towards McDonalds...snatching up Happy Meals that contain a shrink-wrapped CD/DVD single of "Hollaback Girl"...while my ass is sewed to the seat of a 2006 H3, I reach under the gargantuan bucket seat to search for a quarter or three...I stumble upon a copy of "Family First" and, next thing I know, my head is yanked upward and I start seriously thinking about how I can get real...
Maybe...reality is a mentally arranged construction of noises and movements...and, when they're deconstructed......?
Comments:
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Take 2 Michelobs and call me in the morning.
But seriously, to make yourself feel a little better, perhaps you could make a list of things you enjoy doing (from the abstract to the practical) and see what kind of job you could realistically get based on your list and then go for it!
When your feet are operating properly again, you should mosey down to APL and get a book called "What color is my parachute?" This book has a new edition put out once a year and has all sorts of info on careers. Besides, there might be a lovely young librarian behind the desk who can help you find more of this type of information and you can help her find "the moon"...?
I don't know if you wanted a pep talk today, but ya got one. I nag because I care.
Oh, and get well soon!!
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But seriously, to make yourself feel a little better, perhaps you could make a list of things you enjoy doing (from the abstract to the practical) and see what kind of job you could realistically get based on your list and then go for it!
When your feet are operating properly again, you should mosey down to APL and get a book called "What color is my parachute?" This book has a new edition put out once a year and has all sorts of info on careers. Besides, there might be a lovely young librarian behind the desk who can help you find more of this type of information and you can help her find "the moon"...?
I don't know if you wanted a pep talk today, but ya got one. I nag because I care.
Oh, and get well soon!!
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