Austin's Lesbo BBQ

Our loving t. sent out an email today about a "loco lawmaker" from Alabama. I checked out the article and found solace in the fact that our constitution (at least for now) will likely keep this guy at bay...but, there's much to be said about the existence of people like him to begin with. One of the things he mentioned was how the "Homosexual Agenda" was doing away with the mashed potatoes and gravy culture that has made America what it is today (awww...a warm fuzzy feeling blankets the country)...

Wait a minute...last time I checked, I could be considered homosexual and nobody sent me a copy of the damn agenda! How the fuck am I supposed to know what to do, as a homosexual, at 10:15 a.m. without a working copy of the agenda? Well...I'll tell you what I'm going to do, damnit, I'm going to make my OWN agenda...let's make it even more narrow...we'll call this the Slacker Lesbian Agenda...seeing that the general stereotype of homosexuals seems to center around "Queer Eye For the Straight Guy", I think we need an agenda appendage:
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8:00 a.m. : There's and eight o' clock A.M. now?!? <--I know I'm not original with this joke, Simpsons fans.

8:30 a.m. : Nudge prospective new roommate in the side (waykee, waykee..eggs and baykee!)...gently, of course, because we wouldn't want to irritate her new 'Japanesse symbol of friendship' tattoo.

9:15 a.m. : Snuggles...awww....snuggles.

10:15 a.m. : Move Mittens, Crenshaw, and Puddles (the cutest kitties in the whole world) off of respective head, legs and chest.

10:30 a.m.: Realize that the new Melissa Etheridge/Ani DiFranco compliation is going on sale at Waterloo records starting at noon.

11:00 a.m. : Make a quick breakfast consisting of substitute egg product and Fake-on (it's like bacon, but not quite...)

11:45 a.m. : Drive truck downtown to book store to pick up the newest edition of Bust and Martha Stewart's Living...leaf through bumper stickers and t-shirts.

12:15 p.m. : Place newly purchased cat-shaped rainbow sticker on truck.

12:50 p.m. : Arrive at record store. Find out that the aforementioned album actually doesn't come out until following Thursday. Damn. Settle for the first album by Sophie B. Hawkins.

1:30 p.m. : Meet for lunch with your friends: the police officer and the high school gym teacher.

1:45 p.m. : Discuss how it really, really wasn't o.k. for gym teacher to mention to prospective new roommate how your "old roommate" not only slept with your best friend, but also managed to get with you too...all in one night...eleven times....that both of you know of, anyway. Oh, shit...are we ignoring the police officer? She looks kinda huffy...

3:50 p.m. : Leave coffeehouse lunch spot with just enough time to catch Oprah.

5:42 p.m. : Pick up tissues on left on floor...post Jeopardy, of course.

6:15 p.m. : Open three pouches of Moist Meow Mix for the kids and prepare dinner...mmmmm...semi-firm asparagus and baked salmon.

7:00 p.m. : Call prospective new roommate and invite her over to watch The L-Word. Begin to feel inadequate due to lack of whispy hair.

8:30 p.m. : Discuss U-Hall arrangements and patchouli storage with new roommate.

9:00 p.m. : Hash over the agenda for homosexuals to slyly take over and dominate American culture.

10:00 p.m. : Bed time. We have a big day of Garden Ridge ahead of us.

# posted by themellenhead @ 4:26 AM